I found it!

- Sunday, June 22, 2008





After viewing about 13 apartments in two days, I found the ONE.
This is the only love-at-first-sight that exists.
There it is, my dream house in Los Angeles, between Culver City and Beverly Hills.
It's a duplex.
We have the whole bottom floor, 1400 sq ft.
2 bedrooms/1 bathroom.
15 min from Hollywood, and 15 min from the beach.
It's huge, beautiful, amazing and I am so effing stoked to move in and decorate!!!!!

July 18th will be the big day.. Only 4 weeks away. eek!
My time in Sacramento is running short.
3 weeks till my 21st birthday
then the following weekend we'll be moving out.

It's gonna be hard to leave again,
deja vu from 3 years ago when I packed up and moved to San Diego for my semester-long adventure going to SDSU.
Only this time the circumstances are almost the exact opposite of how they were last time I left.

Three years ago:
I had a huge group of friends that I hung out with all the time
I began dating Benton right before I moved away
I fell in love for the first time
I was not ready to leave home
and I was sad about moving.

Now:
There are less than a handful of people I still hangout with and will miss,
but the good news is they probably will actually come visit me.
I don't have a boyfriend to hold me back, and I'm not even interested in dating
I'm ready to leave
I'm ready to start school
I'm ready to begin my "grown-up" life
I am sad, but also so excited to move

I'm just in a spot in my life where I can't stay in Sacramento anymore.
As much as I love my friends here, there really is only a couple people that really matter and they have all thier own stuff going on anyway.
I need to get out and start living, because I feel like I am just existing here,
and there IS a difference.

I know the people that truly care will come and visit me,
and that's all that matters.
I can't wait to have visitors!

I'm desperately hoping to love it there,
but I don't know how I couldn't.
Even just after being there this weekend,
I want to be back down there.
There's just SO much to do.

I'm really not tired,
but I want to get up early so I can get shit done tomorrow.
Gym, float in the pool, have my sister fix the dye job on my hair, do laundry, and maybe even see if Abbie can cut my hair.
No lazy Sundays for me.

until next time,

make yourself <3

The distance is what you make it...

- Tuesday, June 17, 2008

"It's been a long two years.
It's time to smile we've made it this far just like you said.
Just like you said we would.
There are no more tears.
We've used them all so now we'll rely on our laughter,
And the faith that pain gives joy.
I hope that you can see the strength that pulled us through
Is now passed on to me I need to wear it like you always do.
Like you always do.
This far from home, It doesn't feel as far when I know you're doing well.
Distance is what you make it.
The distance is what you make it.
I hope that you can see the strength that pulled us through
Is now passed on to me I wear it like you always do.
I hope that you can see the strength that pulled us through
Is now passed on to me I wear it like you always do.
Like you always do."

Sometimes I forget how much I love Copeland.
I stumbled across some of their lyrics and couldn't help but read through most of them again.
I haven't listened to them in months, but they're still one of my favorite bands.
Their lyrics are so amazing and relatable.
I came across this song and hadn't seen it before, it came from one of their B-sides cds I guess.
I've never heard it, I just liked the lyrics.

I spent all day today looking for apartments online..
well.. maybe not all day, as I did sneak away from the computer to float in the pool for an hour.. sooo relaxing and refreshing.

I found a lot of places that look like they might be promising, but it's so hard to tell from the few pictures posted in the ads, and some didn't have pictures at all.
We're going down Thursday morning to spend the weekend apartment hunting.

I'm really proud of myself for not procrastinating on this and actually dedicating the hours necessary to figure things out.
I made lists of all the places I want to see and called everyone from the ads on craigslist and emailed everyone from the ads I found on westsiderentals.
I found about 30 or so places that I want to check out and I'm hoping to at least fall in love with one of them.

As of right now I have 10 apartments scheduled to see, and am working on figuring out how to fit the rest in.

These next several weekend are going to fly by.
This weekend= La
next weekend= the Mozart Season show and Benton's birthday
then it's 4th of July weekend
My last day of work is the 8th! SO STOKED. haha
The 11th is my 21st birthday! EVEN MORE STOKED
and after that i'll just be packing and trying to spend quality time with the people who actually give a shit enough to see me before I leave.

Did I mention my parents will be gone the first 2 weeks of July?
nice.

BBQ and pool parties for surreee before I move.

I plan on moving before August so I have time to get my shit settled and unpacked.

I also want to check out bartending school so I can make a shit ton of caasssshh.

The next 4 weeks i'll be living a mile a minute.
slow me down, smoke a bowl with me and help me catch my breath :-)

until next time,

Make yourself <3

"Hand over my mouth...

- Sunday, June 15, 2008

I'm earning the right to my silence
in quiet discerning between ego and timing
good judgment is once again proving to me
that it's still worth its weight in gold"

So I figured I'd give this blog thing a shot since I really should be keeping record of my life so I can look back on it one day. hah.
I wish I would have kept a journal in Greece.. but I was too lazy and thinking I would have no problem remembering it all..
Truth is, I do remember a lot, but I'm sure the little things will continue to slip through the cracks in my memory.

But maybe that's the point? To just remember what matters the most.
Either way, I think it'd be a good idea to journal some things even if it's only for my own sanity so I have some way of getting things out of my head.
Plus, I hate relying on people to tell my feelings and thoughts to.

I feel like there's been a dramatic change in my personality lately..
one I'm not particularly fond of.
I've noticed I've been creeping back into my shell,
and siting back and observing others instead of being involved.
I don't mind it until I start to analyze it.

Part of it is feeling like I'm stuck
I'm ready for a change in my life, adventure.
I'm tired of doing the same old things all the time
I love the few people I've chosen to keep in my life,
but they all have so much going on, while I don't.
Thankfully I'll be in for a real change in a few weeks.

I'm absolutely terrified of moving to LA, but at the same time I think it's what I need to save me from the monotony.
I'm so stressed about finding a place, I will be able to breathe so much easier once I've got that one figured out.
And then I'll just be able to enjoy my last few weeks here with the people I love.

I can't believe it's already June and that this year is half way over.
So many things have happend and the months have just flown by.

I'm absolutely sick of my job, the job I used to love.
I'm still proud of myself for having it and dedicating so much time and effort to it, but I'm over being there.

Two people I once held dear to me are also out of my life..by my choice.
The first one brought it all upon himself
and the second had it coming for the better part of the past year.

I've really lost my ability to trust people.
The few friends I still have mean the world to me and I know they're as legit as they come.

Nathaniel has stuck with me since we were kids in highschool.
He's the big brother I never had.. I don't even know what i'd do without him.
and I definitely don't know how I would have made it through last year if I wasn't living with him and always had him there as my shoulder to cry on.
ugh this is making me all choked up just writing this.

I've already been writing my good-bye letters in my head,
I suppose it's not really good bye, but it's my farewell from the life we've known together..
As excited as I am to leave, I'm really going to miss a few people

It's amazing that Benton and I are still friends and that the other two friends are out.
But if I said I didn't see that coming, I'd be lying.
He's always been the one I've seen in my life..(and I don't even mean it in that way at all)
despite all the bullshit we've been through, we're still really close friends,
and I'm thankful for that.. it's just nice to know I have someone who knows me so well, and can read me, that won't judge me for anything I tell him.
but even though I have that in him I still don't go to him for a lot of things or tell him a lot of things.
I have my reasons..
I'm too afraid to be that vulnerable with anyone, or rely on anyone..

Which brings about the fact that I don't think I really see myself able to be in a long term relationship with anyone.
I just don't know if I could spend forever with one person and not get totally bored or annoyed.
I'm afraid I don't know how to be any other way.
I'll probably just end up adopting kids and doing it all on my own or have a few epic short lived relatioships and that's all.

I'm hoping I'm wrong.
and that I find someone who changes all of that..
But I am in absolutely no rush.

Relationships scare the hell out of me and I'm not interested in awkward dating.
Maybe dating isn't awkward and it's me that's the awkward thing. haha
I just want someone who's gonna keep things interesting, intrigue me and initiate 90% of the conversations and do most of the talking.
haha maybe that's too much to ask :-/

I'm so not a talker, I'd much rather listen.

This has been the most eclectic blog entry ever.
I think it's time for bed now.

until next time,

Make yourself <3

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