Make Yourself

If there were a way to stop myself from having dreams, I would.

No matter how good the greatest dreams have ever been

it would be worth it to give them up to save myself from the dreams I've been having for the last three years.

I can try all I want to let go and forget, and then it all comes back in a dream like everything is going to be ok and like it never changed in the first place..

When I know it's obviously not going to be, it hasn't ever been.

My mind is continuing to torture me, as if years of it wasn't enough already,

these almost nightly recurrences are devastating.

It just puts me in the exact mood and mindset I've been trying to escape.

And makes me dwell on things...

stupid little details

things said and things done

emotionally and physically.

questions I'll never have answers to

the closure I've been waiting for and will never receive

the lack of understanding

the realization of misinterpretation

the constant lingering of "why?"

the false hope that is always floating somewhere in the back of my mind

the ounce of optimism that I can't drown out with pessimism

the memories of the last several times I've been through this exact same shit.

It takes me right back to the place I've been trying so hard to escape from

and no matter how far I run, I am dragged right back

only to have to start all over again.

Sometimes I'm not sure if I'd even choose to keep all the memories if I had the choice.

They seem to do more harm than good.

Fuck dreaming.

I really should stop reading lyrics.

"You're unsure and you're not ready so that must mean I want you

You're unavailable and disinterested and to you I look for comfort

A million times in a million ways I will try to change you

A million months and a million days I'll try to somehow convince you

I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm done

I have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm done

You're too young or you're too old or you're simply not inclined

You're asleep or you're withholding be that my cue to crave you

Several times in several ways I'll try to squeeze love from you

Several hours and several ways I'll feast on scraps thrown from you

I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done

I have depressed for you and contorted for you and I'm done

I have stifled for you and I've compromised for you and I'm done

I have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I'm done

It won't be long before I am reclaimed

It won't take long and I'll be on path again

It won't be easy for us to disengage

I'm at the end of self deprivation stage

You're afraid of every woman afraid of your inner workings

You cringe at the thought of living under the same roof as me god and everything

A million times and a million ways I've tried to alter to match you

Several times every several days I've tried to uncrush on you"

-ALANIS MORISSETTE

Oh Copeland, you're such a fucking good band.

Between their lyrics and Underoath's I think I would have the soundtrack to my life,

or the past 3 and a half years at least.

I'm pretty sure that second song is like my anthem.

I don't care if I'm posting on here too much,

it's the only outlet i have for my thoughts at the moment.

Everyone close to me is hours and hours away

and the things I need to talk about are not things to text or call about.

I need a face to face, shoulder to cry on situation and I need it with someone I'm close to.

Today was a fucking awful day

the kind where you just want to have a massive breakdown and cry and cry.

I fought back from losing it completely all day at school.

and it wasn't even related to the recent reoccurring heartbreak,

(I'm actually becoming ok with and accepting of that situation thanks to a few good conversations with people who care about me which led to a list of eye-opening realizations and things I'd been in denial about...Silly me)

I've just been so overwhelmed with everything going on that I feel like I'm about to reach my breaking point.

There is so much going on and I just want to sit and talk about it, but the one person I want to talk to the most is now the one person I can't.

That's the part that kills me, more than the other details of it,

knowing it's not even an option anymore to be comforted by the one person who knows and understands me in a way no one else does.

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Overwhelmed, frustrated, terrified, nervous, doubtful, sad, unsure.

I need to figure out a way to turn it all around.

And will have to figure out a way to just handle everything on my own,

or at least for another 2 weeks until I can be with a few of my friends in Sacramento.

"It's your eyes,

it's what always gets me.

When we speak,

when you laugh,

when you make love,

when you fuck hahaha,

when you cry,

no matter what your eyes are always full of emotion and intensity.

And in the little looks you give me that aren't super intense emotions or anything,

I still always see something that makes me get like sucked into your tractor beam.

It's crazy."

Someone will actually mean this one day, and I'm looking forward to that.

Exactly one year.. to the DATE of the last time this happened.
are you fucking kidding me?

the shock value is less every time.
it hurts less every time
i get over it easier every time

as much as i try to overcome the expectation and assumption
the fear is always looming in the back of my mind.
and i had every reason to doubt
actions speak louder than the sugar coated words that always reel me in.
they cloud my memories of the pain, a temporary Novocaine.
i just couldn't quit
like a drug
my heroin
i was addicted for three long years
never getting enough
never being enough
giving giving giving

i was blinded while everyone else saw it coming
i hoped for the best, again
while everyone was waiting on the other end for this to happen, as expected.
this is my self mutilation
this is my gambling addiction
the substance i abuse is love, my love, the love i so undeservingly give and give.
never getting back what i deserve, but always thinking i might.

everyone was right. from the start.
i thought i couldn't trust other people.. but really, i can't trust myself.
i know what i deserve, i just wanted it to all be given to me by the one person i had always wanted.
is that so much to ask?
to be loved in return?
apparently
it's too much work.
too difficult

what is love?
everything i know about it is a lie.



for once it would be nice to know what it's like to have someone who would do whatever they could to keep me
to be endlessly wanted
someone who doesn't make me feel insecure about never being good enough
someone i don't have to always worry about changing their mind one day.
someone who makes time for me
someone who wants nothing more than to hear my voice at the end of the day
someone who wants to share things with me
someone who believes in me
someone who can show they love me and not just sweep me off my feet with empty words.
someone who actually means what they say
someone who is not afraid
someone who just wants to make me smile.


i hope i'm not broken.
i hope i will be able to trust myself again one day
i hope i will let myself love again

and pathetic as it is i still fucking hope it all works out in the future.
because it's all i've been wanting for years,
pathetic.. i disgust myself.
ugh

you were all fucking right.
*insert "i told you so" here* (for the what 678th time?)





so now what? :-(

October is not a great month for me, two years in a row.

Waiting, waiting, waiting..that's all I've been doing...

but what's the point?

How long can you play the same game before you realize it's not worth your time and you finally give up, give in and quit?

Take Monopoly for example:

It's one of those "oh it's been so long since I've played, let's play!" sort of things.

It's the game you think you love but once you've been sitting there playing for hours you realize it's really not that fun

because you realize it's exactly the same every time.

It drags on, and several things happen-

someone usually finds a way to cheat, someone wins by a lot,

someone goes completely bankrupt,

or someone quits because they're tired and don't want to play anymore.

I've been playing for years, and when I mistakenly think I'm winning, or that it's tied,

is when I lose.

And no matter how many times I lose, there's always that possibility that the next time I play it will be better.

It's getting redundant.

As for things that truely matter,

I've been ridiculously busy with school and life

I hardly have time for cleaning my house or doing laundry

I have a growing list of friends I need to call back but can't find the time to set aside to do so.

I try to go to bed as early as I can on the nights I don't go out.

Makeup school is kicking my ass but I love it,

I'm learning, I'm improving.

I've been working on a few photoshoots

I worked on a runway show during LA fashion week

I'm preparing to do hair and makeup with a team of girls for a dance show in Long Beach this weekend.

I go out to an indie/electro dance club every Wednesday and love love love it.

There are more things to do during the week than during the weekends

and because of that I am constantly exhausted, but I don't even care.

I'm constantly surrounded by new people

I've been making a lot of new friends

I've been hanging out with a lot of girls, which is reaaally different for me.

I registered to vote today at a Starbucks a few miles away and was the ONLY non-black person in there.. that was interesting. haha

I feel so at home, it's almost been 3 months since I moved.. crazy.

I am sooo happy to be here.

-S.