Make Yourself

Last night i was ridiculously bored and just hopping website to website trying to find things that were interesting.
i came across this personality test thing
usually i think this stuff is BS
but this one seems kind of accurate i think.
see for yourself:



Dreamy Idealist (DI)

Dreamy Idealists are very cautious and therefore often appear shy and reserved to others.
They share their rich emotional life and their passionate convictions with very few people.
But one would be very much mistaken to judge them to be cool and reserved.
They have a pronounced inner system of values and clear, honourable principles for which they are willing to sacrifice a great deal.
Joan of Arc or Sir Galahad would have been good examples of this personality type.
Dreamy Idealists are always at great pains to improve the world.
They can be very considerate towards others and do a lot to support them and stand up for them.
They are interested in their fellow beings, attentive and generous towards them.
Once their enthusiasm for an issue or person is aroused, they can become tireless fighters.
For Dreamy Idealists, practical things are not really so important.
They only busy themselves with mundane everyday demands when absolutely necessary.
They tend to live according to the motto “the genius controls the chaos” - which is normally the case so that they often have a very successful academic career.
They are less interested in details; they prefer to look at something as a whole.
This means that they still have a good overview even when things start to become hectic. However, as a result, it can occasionally happen that Dreamy Idealists overlook something important.
As they are very peace-loving, they tend not to openly show their dissatisfaction or annoyance but to bottle it up.
Assertiveness is not one of their strong points; they hate conflicts and competition.
Dreamy Idealists prefer to motivate others with their amicable and enthusiastic nature. Whoever has them as superior will never have to complain about not being given enough praise.

As at work, Dreamy Idealists are helpful and loyal friends and partners, persons of integrity. Obligations are absolutely sacred to them. The feelings of others are important to them and they love making other people happy.
They are satisfied with just a small circle of friends; their need for social contact is not very marked as they also need a lot of time to themselves.
Superfluous small talk is not their thing.
If one wishes to be friends with them or have a relationship with them, one would have to share their world of thought and be willing to participate in profound discussions.
If you manage that you will be rewarded with an exceptionally intensive, rich partnership.
Due to their high demands on themselves and others, this personality type tends however to sometimes overload the relationship with romantic and idealistic ideas to such an extent that the partner feels overtaxed or inferior.
Dreamy Idealists do not fall in love head over heels but when they do fall in love they want this to be a great, eternal love.

Adjectives which describe your type: introverted, theoretical, emotional, spontaneous, idealistic, dreamy, effusive, pleasant, reserved, friendly, passionate, loyal, perfectionist, helpful, creative, composed, curious, obstinate, with integrity, willing to make sacrifices, romantic, cautious, shy, peace-loving, vulnerable, sensitive, communicative, imaginative


hmmm..

there are 16 different personality types, take the little test to see which one you are
tell me your results if you do it :-)
http://ipersonic.com/test.html

well it's officially been 2 weeks since the surgery.
I'm making a slow, but progressive recovery.
every day gets easier
I'm able to open my mouth a little more now.. but still probably less than an inch.
I've been able to chew some soft foods.. finally. some real foods besides soup haha.
the swelling has gone down a lot
but there's a little bit left.

I'm falling asleep as I'm typing this.
goodnight!

-S.

I'm eating Spaghettios
the familiar O shaped noodles and distinct flavor
bring me back to my childhood
when my concerns were if my sister was going to end up with more meatballs than me
when my most dramatic fights were over who got the pink bowl
haha
simpler times definitely haha.
(obviously I don't eat the ones with meatballs anymore, but even if i did eat meat, i now realize how naaassttyy that "meatball" shit was haha)

Oh sweet mandibular freedom!
well, kind of haha.
Currently I can open my mouth about half an inch
seriously, that's as wide as i am physically able to open it
after being wired shut until yesterday (11 days)
but I can speak, finally!
my mouth has to get used to functioning in it's new position
so it will be a slow process to get everything moving and working again.
I still cant really eat anything but soup or pasta
because at this point i can't get a fork or spoon even inside of my mouth.
but at least it can be thicker than just broth.
chewing is difficult, it has to be done slowly and carefully
and it will be a while before i'm able to eat real food
and before my mouth is able to open all the way


it's one of the weirdest feelings i've ever experienced,
only being able to open my mouth a little bit
i feel like a little robot
and after seeing my new x-rays, I definitely am a little robot.
there are permanent bone plates and screws from the sides of my nose and down
holding my bones in their new positions.
i forgot to count how many i have, but there are a lot
it's crazy
no, i wont set off any metal detectors haha

i found out the reason i've only been able to breath out of one side of my nose
(also the reason i thought i was going to stop breathing and die in the hospital, because i was so congested and only able to breathe out of one side as it was)
it's because when the breathing tube that was in my nose during surgery was removed by the anesthesiologist
it pushed the cartilage of my septum over to the right too far, deviating it.
so my right nostril is basically pushed closed on the inside
my oral surgeon tried to push it back over yesterday, but he didn't want to hurt me.
so in 3 weeks i have to go back to him so he can put me to sleep while he does it.
if he can't push it back into place he has to re-open the incision under my top lip and do it surgically.
whatever it takes, at this point i don't care.
nothing could be worse than what i've been through so far haha


holy shit it's 4:45am.
Meeps is begging for attention and ready for bed
guess that's my cue to get off the computer
and finish this post. haha

the morning news is on already.
wtf.
hopefully i fall asleep before the sun comes up haha.


-S.

I boarded the plane after having graduated from Makeup School just a few hours before
a graduation trip as a reward for my accomplishment
I didn't know where I was headed
I just knew I was taking a vacation for a little while.
during the flight i was talking to a few girls from school that came along
the next thing i know the plane starts to roll slightly on it's side.
i figured we were just making a turn or there was some sort of turbulence
we keep rolling and now we're almost completely sideways
people start to panic
the top of the plane rips off as if it were a convertible and someone had pushed the button.
the plane is still rolling
we're upside down now
i'm screaming at my friends to hold onto the chairs as tight as they can
as if they needed my advice
my knuckles turn white as i'm literally holding on for my life
sure, there are seat belts on planes
but i didn't trust them to be strong enough to keep me from falling out
the plane continues to roll, over and over, losing altitude
among the screaming i can hear all sorts of alerts and alarms on the plane going off
resisting my urge to do otherwise,
i look down to see what's beneath us
it's night time
but i can see a coastline
city lights and the dark ocean below
all i can think is that i want to call my mom and say "goodbye"
to tell her what is going to happen myself so that she doesn't have to hear it on the news.
but i know i don't have time, and i can feel my heart breaking as i anticipate the pain my family and friends are in for.
next i think about my death
hoping it won't be painful and wondering what really happens when you stop living.
at this point we are plunging through the air in the only direction we shouldn't be, down.
the city lights below are getting closer
i can see waves breaking on the shore in the moonlight.
"this is it"- my last thoughts.

I woke up this morning after experiencing all of that as a dream
one of the most realistic feeling/terrifying dreams i've had
i can't even explain it in the amount of detail i saw and felt it in last night.
it was awful.
it's the third bad dream i've had in a row this week
i obviously have a lot of anxiety and things going on.

the two other bad dreams both were different than that one
but they were similar to each other; i don't remember them as clearly though.
i just remember the main points of them.
the first one was that my jaws went back to being the way they used to after my appointment to get them un-wired.
and the second one was that i could literally feel my teeth and jaws slowly moving back to how they were, but while they were still wired together.
i woke up and had to try and move my teeth just to convince myself that it wasn't happening and that i couldn't move them
and in the dream i could feel my teeth grinding and sliding past each other.

agh dreaming is so fucked up.
but i guess kind of have a lot of anxiety about this whole situation.
maybe i shouldn't have stopped taking the Valium. hahaha..
:-\
*shrug*

getting un-wired tomorrow
wooo hooo
then eating lunch and seeing a movie with my momma
real food. real fooood. reeeaaaal foooooooood!!!!!!!!
(if it doesn't hurt too much to eat it)
*fingers crossed* haha
and hopefully hanging out with friends so they can laugh at my chubby cheeks
before i go back to LA on Tuesday :-)




night nighty sugarplums
hopefully tonight's dreams will be more pleasant! eek.

-S.

Valentine's Day
I don't understand the hype with it.
I don't think it's necessary to feel obliged to prove to your significant other that they mean something to you.
if you're together, obviously you care about each other right?
i would appreciate a card, flowers or gift on any random day a lot more than I would appreciate it on a day where someone felt like they "had" to.
and I'm not writing this just because I'm single.
there's only been one Valentine's day that was ever special to me
hanging out with a... friend.. and it didn't even start out as a "date"
it just kind of developed into one
and unexpectedly i received flowers and a little pink elephant stuffed animal.
the fact that it was a surprise is why it meant something.
not because i was expecting anything because i thought that i "should" receive something

to me, valentine's day and anniversaries are not about gifts
yeah, they're nice
but I'd rather spend time with someone or go do something fun and make memories
whatev, maybe it at least helps boost the economy haha

I spent today with my parents.
and i wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
we went to the movies and then came home and watched another movie together
it's been so nice to spend time with them this last week
i'm so lucky to have such an amazing family
my mom has been doing everything she can to take care of me since the surgery.
my parents have been amazing lately.

and all week i've just been watching them interact with eachother
they've been married 25 years and still act like a couple who has just started dating
they're always kissing and flirting
and when most people would think it's disgusting to have their parents doing that stuff
it actually makes me really happy
i love knowing that my parents are still obsessed with each other and madly in love

all i can hope for is to one day find a love like they have. :-)


time for bed
momma and i are driving to Sacramento tomorrow.
thankfully it will be my last trip up there for a few weeks.
don't get me wrong,
it's been amazing spending time up there with everyone
but i've missed LA
i've missed my house and my own bed
i've missed hanging out with my sister
i've missed hanging out with my friends and family down here.

plus, beach season is coming up and I am STOKED about that
I need my tan back, ASAP
i'm gathering a stack of books to read
and will be beachin' it daily and catching up on my reading as soon as this cold weather goes away :-)

dream sweet sugarplums
-S.

it's been 6 days, well i guess technically a week now that it's 2am on Thursday.
i jinxed myself
the pain has been increasing since Tuesday.
there are stitches inside my mouth where my lips meet my gums
and they hurt, a lot.
it feels like my teeth are literally throbbing
the codeine isn't helping
my face still looks like a balloon
the bruising is starting to show up but it's all yellow
so i just look like i have jaundice instead of some bad ass dark purple bruises.
haha

i'm down to 117 lbs now
and i'm sure i'm going to lose more than just 3 lbs.
i doubt i'm even consuming over 1,000 calories a day
it's almost impossible to do that on soup and nutritional supplement drinks alone.
but i'm at least trying to add protein powder to the things i do eat.

we called the doctor today to ask about the increasing pain
and i guess it's one of those good/bad things.
it's bad that i'm in pain
but it's good because it means i'm healing quickly
and that i don't have a lot of nerve damage
because i guess my whole mouth should be numb
and if i'm feeling the incision sites and my teeth
then the nerves in those areas are already repairing themselves.

i'm supposed to double the amount of Motrin i've been taking (which is children's Motrin because i needed it in liquid form.)
and if i don't notice that helping within a few days he'll try to figure out something else to give me.

i get my mouth un-wired on Monday
thank god
unfortunately it could take a couple months before all the swelling goes away
so i will look like a fat little kid for a while.
haha

not like i really care
i've still been going out looking like this
the mall, the movies, the store
and i will continue to do so
i'm not gonna hide away and wait for the swelling to disappear.
i don't give a fuck what people think about my puffy face

what are a few more weeks/months of rough times dealing with the way i look
when i've already been through years of it
i've already heard the worst things people could ever possibly say about me anyway

so suuccckkk iittttt
hahaha

keeping my chin up and my mind on the future
it's all worth it to know i have the rest of my life ahead of me to finally feel "normal."

aside from all that business i realized that my poor Meeper had fleas today
it felt like he had dirt in his fur and it looked like little black specks of pepper
and then i saw little brown bug crawl on his skin
so i googled it of course and found out that the black specks were flea poop, gross.
and that the bugs were definitely fleas.
my sister's cat must have them too then
my cats are indoor cats so i don't even know how they got them
we washed Meeps with special shampoo and i watched as my mom was pulling tons of fleas off his face
i was trying not to cry because i felt so bad for him
all the fleas were trying to get away from the water and go in his ears and eyes and all over his face
my poor baby
he was even calm when we were giving him a bath and everything
best kitty in the world
and now he's fluffier than ever since we brushed, washed, and blow dried him haha

time for Valium, Codeine and sleep.

-S.

today was a pretty good day overall
I was able to eat more today
got out of bed, walked downstairs
and hungout for a little while.
attempted to watch some movies,
but fell asleep during both of them.

drank some mashed potatoes for dinner.
haha
they were actually pretty good since they were real mashed potatoes just hella thinned down with broth and gravy.
probably had more calories than anything else I've eaten so far,
so that's a good thing.
my mom also blended up this apple crisp thing she made with a bunch of ice cream and soy milk so I was able to have that too.
pretty tasty as far as drinkable foods go.

haha *optimism*

we're gonna go back to so cal tomorrow
stopping by my house first to pick up my cat, before going to my parent's house.
I miss Meeps.
a lot
I've never been more attatched to anything than I am to that damn cat.
we're obsessed with eachother
when I'm not home he seriously gets depressed and just mopes around
my sister said he won't sleep in her room at all,
he just sleeps in my bed alone or lays by my door waiting for me to come back

and when I'm home he follows me around
when I get ready for bed at night he stands in the bathroom and waits while I brush my teeth and then follows me to my room.
any time I wake up and he's not there, if I just call his name he comes running and jumps on my bed with me.
I've never been attatched to an animal like this
it's weird for me
but I love him more than any other boy there is haha.
he picked ME..
I may have gone to the SPCA looking for a kitten
but he was the one that was litterally sticking his paws out to grab me every time I walked by.
love at first sight
as lame or whatever as it sounds
I don't care.
he's my little buddy and he always makes me feel better.
any time I've been sad or crying in my room he comes and lays with me.
so I'm going to get him tomorrow
because I feel bad that I've been gone for a whole week and can't leave him for another week.
it's like having a child haha.
plus, I know he'll make me feel better.

valium's kicking in.
-S

day 3
supposedly the last of the "really bad" days.
I hoping tomorrow is better
yesterday sucked.
my face is huge.
If I could laugh, smile or move my facial muscles at all I would laugh at myself every time I walked by a mirror.
I look ridiculous
my face looks like it belongs on a 300lb woman.
I've been sending pictures to the few people who I thought would enjoy it the most,
it's quite the sight to see.
I'm sure i'll post a few eventually,
I have no shame and nothing to hide.
I really don't give a fuck haha.

I'm breating a little easier today
for a few hours last night I started to really panic.
it was to the point where I was afraid I was going to stop breathing because it was so hard to focus on it.
I was so congested that I could hardly even get deep enough breaths in.
thank god for valium.
it's been saving me for sure
and keeping me from having major anxiety attacks..
plus, it makes me feel amazing haha
and in addition to the codiene I'm taking every 4 hours it's helping me sleep.
I'm still not sleeping for much longer than 4 hrs at a time, but it's better than it was at the hospital.

my whole body is sore
neck
teeth
mouth
hands
knees
back
all my joints and muscles
I'm sure it's partly due to the extreme lack of nutrition I'm getting right now.
I ate more yesterday than I have since thursday, but a couple bowls of 30 calorie soup doesn't really make a difference.
hopefully today i'll be able to eat more..
it's gonna depend on how my breathing is.

we're supposed to head back down to OC tomorrow..
so I can stay with my parents and continue to have someone help take care of me..

gonna attempt to watch a movie and see how far I get before I pass out
haha fun game.

text me
-S.

just got released from the hospital
hopefully I get more than 1-2 hours of sleep at a time now.
I feel so fucking useless it's driving me crazy
it's litterally like my face is paralyzed.
and I want to talk but no one can understand me.
my muscles are so weak that it's even hard to write things or type this.
but I'm on my phone so it's just my thumbs moving mostly.
my knees are week and when I walk I have to be careful to not fall.

pain meds every 4 hours is absolutely necessary.
once the feeling starts to kick in it feels like I am clenching my teeth together as hard as I can
even though I know I'm not.
I'm getting liquid vallium to calm me down..
I've been trying to remain calm on my own but it's hard
especially if I cough or my nose gets stuffy, I have to try my hardest to not have an anxiety attack.
I'm trapped inside my head and my mouth right now.

all I can think of is the movie
"the diving bell and the butterfly"
although I'm not completely paralyzed like that man was,
I can almost understand it.
I couldn't even imagine the frustration of really beeing "locked in" your own body..

all I can think about is food
haha
all kinds of amazing food that I can eat and won't be able to eat
fatty fatty
but as soon as I'm able to eat real food I'm going to have a feast
I'm not looking forward to the 8-12lbs I'm inevitably going to lose in the next 2 weeks.
my mom's telling me I'm going to look like nicole richie.. haha grreeaaat
I'm hardly 120lbs as it is, and I like having meat on my bones.
if I lose my big ass I'm gonna be piiissed haha.

at this point it just sucks because eating, or drinking rather, is so much work and effort that I just get frustrated with it.
these first three days are supposed to be the worst.
I'm doing what I can to stay positive and remember why I did this and what the outcome will be.
I just need a way to express what I'm going through..
it'll all be worth it.

dammit.. a commerical for donuts and kit kats just came on the radio hahaha

how tormenting..
hah :-/

greetings from Sutter Roseville
i'm alive
although it hardly feels that way.
surgery went well yesterday
I've been attempting to sleep although a hosptial is not a place very condusive to such a luxury.
someone is in here every couple hours to check my vitals or give me more medicine through the IV.
I've been on morphine, motrin. tylenol, codiene and everything in bewteen along with some anti-biotics.

my face is so swollen that I can't even recognize myself
and my bottom lip is like 15times it's normal size.
I am wired shut and between the swelling and pain, unable to speak anything more clearly than mumbles.
I am so congested from the tubes that were in my ears, nose and throat during surgery that I am having trouble breathing.
there is enough pressure built up in my head to make me feel like I've been traveling in airplanes all day..
I currently have a oxygen mask over mouth to help me breathe in what little air I can.

I'm starving and have to consume liquids through a syringe with a rubber hose at the end of it.
but currently I have to focus so much on breathing that I am not able to drink at the same time without having an anxiety attack.

I'm being sent home with tylenol w/codiene, liquid vallium and some other shit.
I'm being discharged from here around 3 if i'm feel ok enough..
we'll see.

I was able to push my swollen lips apart long enough to see my teeth though
and instantly started to cry.
happy tears of course for the perfect little teeth and bite I've been waiting my whole life for.

my saving grace has been my mother
she hasn't left since I've been out of surgery and stayed the night with me here take care of me.
I wouldn't have been able to do this without her.

the next few days are gonna be long and hard..
*insert sexual joke here*
haha
just because I feel like shit and look different doesn't mean I'm not still the same dirty minded girl I always have been.
haha

I think that's all for now
just got another dose of pain meds
so hopefully the codiene will knock me out for another few hours.

I'm not sure where to start
so I'll start by saying that I am posting this on my public blog on purpose
In order for anyone who's curious
to be able to seek information
and answers
to explain things I do not want to constantly repeat.

This is pure, raw, and honest
I don't have anything to hide, so I'm not going to try
anyone who reads this will have gained a new level of insight into the last 10 years of my life
things I rarely discuss or even admit to myself.
I'm not posting this because I feel the need to prove myself to anyone either
I'm mostly doing it for myself
in talking to my mom today about the situation i realized there are still things that i haven't really realized or thought about until today.

so here it goes,
I am having surgery tomorrow
to fix my under bite.
yes, it is elective
and despite what anyone may think,
it is not "cosmetic"
I am not having plastic surgery.
yes, it is going to effect the way I look
but that is because I am having a medically defined skeletal deformity fixed.

An Oral Surgeon is going to re-align my jaws so that they function in the way that they are supposed to.
My lower jaw will be broken and set back
My upper jaw will be cut and moved forward
and my upper palette will be split in order to widen my top jaw so that it fits in relation to my lower one.
it's a major surgery
estimated to be about 4 hours long
I will be staying overnight in the hospital
My jaws will be wired closed for about 2 weeks following the surgery
and i will be on a completely liquid diet during that time.
the area around my mouth and including my mouth are estimated to be completely numb for several weeks if not months
because of the nerves in the area being severed and having to repair themselves.
i will have titanium plates and screws holding my bones in their new, correct position.
I will be going through a long recovery process and will be staying with my parents most of the time.

I will have extensive bruising and swelling
and will be photo documenting it all
mostly so that I have them for makeup references haha.

what does this mean for me?
it means I will finally be able to eat normally, like everyone else
to be able to bite into things
to not have to tear up everything I eat and pretend it's just a habit I have.
it has only become a habit because I cannot bite into things since my teeth and jaws don't function the way they should
it will hopefully mean that I won't have to deal with the discomfort of my jaw joints grinding and popping when I chew.
it means i will be able to not feel self conscious every time a picture of me is taken
or every time I'm talking to someone while I'm driving, or while someone is sitting beside me.
it means I'll be able to smile without trying to hide something
it means I'll be able to wear red lipstick if i want to and not feel like i am drawing attention to something I don't want to be noticed.
it means i won't be worried every time i kiss someone because they might think i kiss differently than other girls.
it means I'll gain self confidence back
it means i won't only notice that part of myself in a mirror or a photo
it means i won't be hearing "she's pretty, but......" in my head every time someone looks at me.

it will also mean that I will have to get used to seeing myself in the mirror as someone different.
My teeth were fixed after I had braces when I was younger
at age 12 my braces came off and things were "normal"
my bones continued to grow and it became a skeletal issue and not something braces could fix anymore.
I don't actually remember noticing a change in my appearance
as far as i remember I've looked the way I do now for as long as I remember.
I only became aware that the way i looked was different when I started being made fun of for it.

To this day, this is the only thing I can ever really remember being made fun of for
or having people talk shit about me for
and it has been happening up until recently
and that's only from what I've seen
because people LOVE to talk shit on myspace, for no reason.
I've gotten so used to it that I am able to blow it off.
It's always the same shit being said, nothing new, nothing clever.

I am doing this for myself
because it's something I've wanted for the last several years,
it's something I've been waiting for
not because it's something I'm doing for anyone else.
I know I am an attractive girl, regardless.
and friends and boyfriends have all told me I don't need it.
or that I shouldn't get it.
but it's for me, and like I mentioned, there is more to it than the aesthetic aspect.

I will have to deal with getting used to the new me.
I will have to get familiar with my new look, just as you will.
so all I ask is for support.
don't be selfish and worry that you won't be able to recognize me
or worry that I'll act different/ be different.
remember that it's affecting me too.
I'm just as worried
and scared, nervous and anxious.
remember that i will still be me,
still the same Samantha
just an updated version
the way i should have been all along.

<3
-S.