Make Yourself

I boarded the plane after having graduated from Makeup School just a few hours before
a graduation trip as a reward for my accomplishment
I didn't know where I was headed
I just knew I was taking a vacation for a little while.
during the flight i was talking to a few girls from school that came along
the next thing i know the plane starts to roll slightly on it's side.
i figured we were just making a turn or there was some sort of turbulence
we keep rolling and now we're almost completely sideways
people start to panic
the top of the plane rips off as if it were a convertible and someone had pushed the button.
the plane is still rolling
we're upside down now
i'm screaming at my friends to hold onto the chairs as tight as they can
as if they needed my advice
my knuckles turn white as i'm literally holding on for my life
sure, there are seat belts on planes
but i didn't trust them to be strong enough to keep me from falling out
the plane continues to roll, over and over, losing altitude
among the screaming i can hear all sorts of alerts and alarms on the plane going off
resisting my urge to do otherwise,
i look down to see what's beneath us
it's night time
but i can see a coastline
city lights and the dark ocean below
all i can think is that i want to call my mom and say "goodbye"
to tell her what is going to happen myself so that she doesn't have to hear it on the news.
but i know i don't have time, and i can feel my heart breaking as i anticipate the pain my family and friends are in for.
next i think about my death
hoping it won't be painful and wondering what really happens when you stop living.
at this point we are plunging through the air in the only direction we shouldn't be, down.
the city lights below are getting closer
i can see waves breaking on the shore in the moonlight.
"this is it"- my last thoughts.

I woke up this morning after experiencing all of that as a dream
one of the most realistic feeling/terrifying dreams i've had
i can't even explain it in the amount of detail i saw and felt it in last night.
it was awful.
it's the third bad dream i've had in a row this week
i obviously have a lot of anxiety and things going on.

the two other bad dreams both were different than that one
but they were similar to each other; i don't remember them as clearly though.
i just remember the main points of them.
the first one was that my jaws went back to being the way they used to after my appointment to get them un-wired.
and the second one was that i could literally feel my teeth and jaws slowly moving back to how they were, but while they were still wired together.
i woke up and had to try and move my teeth just to convince myself that it wasn't happening and that i couldn't move them
and in the dream i could feel my teeth grinding and sliding past each other.

agh dreaming is so fucked up.
but i guess kind of have a lot of anxiety about this whole situation.
maybe i shouldn't have stopped taking the Valium. hahaha..
:-\
*shrug*

getting un-wired tomorrow
wooo hooo
then eating lunch and seeing a movie with my momma
real food. real fooood. reeeaaaal foooooooood!!!!!!!!
(if it doesn't hurt too much to eat it)
*fingers crossed* haha
and hopefully hanging out with friends so they can laugh at my chubby cheeks
before i go back to LA on Tuesday :-)




night nighty sugarplums
hopefully tonight's dreams will be more pleasant! eek.

-S.