Make Yourself

just got released from the hospital
hopefully I get more than 1-2 hours of sleep at a time now.
I feel so fucking useless it's driving me crazy
it's litterally like my face is paralyzed.
and I want to talk but no one can understand me.
my muscles are so weak that it's even hard to write things or type this.
but I'm on my phone so it's just my thumbs moving mostly.
my knees are week and when I walk I have to be careful to not fall.

pain meds every 4 hours is absolutely necessary.
once the feeling starts to kick in it feels like I am clenching my teeth together as hard as I can
even though I know I'm not.
I'm getting liquid vallium to calm me down..
I've been trying to remain calm on my own but it's hard
especially if I cough or my nose gets stuffy, I have to try my hardest to not have an anxiety attack.
I'm trapped inside my head and my mouth right now.

all I can think of is the movie
"the diving bell and the butterfly"
although I'm not completely paralyzed like that man was,
I can almost understand it.
I couldn't even imagine the frustration of really beeing "locked in" your own body..

all I can think about is food
haha
all kinds of amazing food that I can eat and won't be able to eat
fatty fatty
but as soon as I'm able to eat real food I'm going to have a feast
I'm not looking forward to the 8-12lbs I'm inevitably going to lose in the next 2 weeks.
my mom's telling me I'm going to look like nicole richie.. haha grreeaaat
I'm hardly 120lbs as it is, and I like having meat on my bones.
if I lose my big ass I'm gonna be piiissed haha.

at this point it just sucks because eating, or drinking rather, is so much work and effort that I just get frustrated with it.
these first three days are supposed to be the worst.
I'm doing what I can to stay positive and remember why I did this and what the outcome will be.
I just need a way to express what I'm going through..
it'll all be worth it.

dammit.. a commerical for donuts and kit kats just came on the radio hahaha

how tormenting..
hah :-/