Make Yourself

I'm not sure where to start
so I'll start by saying that I am posting this on my public blog on purpose
In order for anyone who's curious
to be able to seek information
and answers
to explain things I do not want to constantly repeat.

This is pure, raw, and honest
I don't have anything to hide, so I'm not going to try
anyone who reads this will have gained a new level of insight into the last 10 years of my life
things I rarely discuss or even admit to myself.
I'm not posting this because I feel the need to prove myself to anyone either
I'm mostly doing it for myself
in talking to my mom today about the situation i realized there are still things that i haven't really realized or thought about until today.

so here it goes,
I am having surgery tomorrow
to fix my under bite.
yes, it is elective
and despite what anyone may think,
it is not "cosmetic"
I am not having plastic surgery.
yes, it is going to effect the way I look
but that is because I am having a medically defined skeletal deformity fixed.

An Oral Surgeon is going to re-align my jaws so that they function in the way that they are supposed to.
My lower jaw will be broken and set back
My upper jaw will be cut and moved forward
and my upper palette will be split in order to widen my top jaw so that it fits in relation to my lower one.
it's a major surgery
estimated to be about 4 hours long
I will be staying overnight in the hospital
My jaws will be wired closed for about 2 weeks following the surgery
and i will be on a completely liquid diet during that time.
the area around my mouth and including my mouth are estimated to be completely numb for several weeks if not months
because of the nerves in the area being severed and having to repair themselves.
i will have titanium plates and screws holding my bones in their new, correct position.
I will be going through a long recovery process and will be staying with my parents most of the time.

I will have extensive bruising and swelling
and will be photo documenting it all
mostly so that I have them for makeup references haha.

what does this mean for me?
it means I will finally be able to eat normally, like everyone else
to be able to bite into things
to not have to tear up everything I eat and pretend it's just a habit I have.
it has only become a habit because I cannot bite into things since my teeth and jaws don't function the way they should
it will hopefully mean that I won't have to deal with the discomfort of my jaw joints grinding and popping when I chew.
it means i will be able to not feel self conscious every time a picture of me is taken
or every time I'm talking to someone while I'm driving, or while someone is sitting beside me.
it means I'll be able to smile without trying to hide something
it means I'll be able to wear red lipstick if i want to and not feel like i am drawing attention to something I don't want to be noticed.
it means i won't be worried every time i kiss someone because they might think i kiss differently than other girls.
it means I'll gain self confidence back
it means i won't only notice that part of myself in a mirror or a photo
it means i won't be hearing "she's pretty, but......" in my head every time someone looks at me.

it will also mean that I will have to get used to seeing myself in the mirror as someone different.
My teeth were fixed after I had braces when I was younger
at age 12 my braces came off and things were "normal"
my bones continued to grow and it became a skeletal issue and not something braces could fix anymore.
I don't actually remember noticing a change in my appearance
as far as i remember I've looked the way I do now for as long as I remember.
I only became aware that the way i looked was different when I started being made fun of for it.

To this day, this is the only thing I can ever really remember being made fun of for
or having people talk shit about me for
and it has been happening up until recently
and that's only from what I've seen
because people LOVE to talk shit on myspace, for no reason.
I've gotten so used to it that I am able to blow it off.
It's always the same shit being said, nothing new, nothing clever.

I am doing this for myself
because it's something I've wanted for the last several years,
it's something I've been waiting for
not because it's something I'm doing for anyone else.
I know I am an attractive girl, regardless.
and friends and boyfriends have all told me I don't need it.
or that I shouldn't get it.
but it's for me, and like I mentioned, there is more to it than the aesthetic aspect.

I will have to deal with getting used to the new me.
I will have to get familiar with my new look, just as you will.
so all I ask is for support.
don't be selfish and worry that you won't be able to recognize me
or worry that I'll act different/ be different.
remember that it's affecting me too.
I'm just as worried
and scared, nervous and anxious.
remember that i will still be me,
still the same Samantha
just an updated version
the way i should have been all along.

<3
-S.