I don't even care about Christmas this year
it's really just any other day to me
we're having dinner with my Grandpa and my "grandma" in Bakersfield tomorrow night
and having Christmas morning there.
I think Christmas loses it's magic as you grow up
or maybe it's just that this year has been so insane that I haven't had time to think about it.
Yesterday was the first time anyone even asked me what I wanted this year
not that it matters, because it's not about gifts to me anyway,
I just found it interesting that I've hardly even talked about Christmas this year.
There's nothing I really want as it is anyway
nothing material that is
My parents and Cassidy live an hour away now instead of 6
I got to see thier new place yesterday and our two gorgeous horses.
The few things I really want cannot be boxed and gifted.
i want to continue to be this happy
i want to be loved, romantically, like i have only dreamed about.
i want to make peace
I don't think santa's elves can help me with those.
So my reply to my mom when she asked what I wanted:
Copeland -"you are my sunshine" cd/dvd combo
Underoath- "Lost in the sounds of seperation" cd/dvd combo.
and another bottle of my Chanel Chance perfume since i'm almost out
I don't really need anything at all
plus, i feel guilty for even wanting anything
my parents have paid for EVERYTHING for the past 6 months I've been in LA.
that's more than I could have asked for as it is.
Christmas is about food and family to me anyway
it's basically Thanksgiving with a different color scheme and the added bonus is gifts.
I'm most excited about seeing my few friends in Sacramento and spending time with them
Merry Christmas
-S.
I need a vacation
life has been going non-stop since September.
Thank God tomorrow is my last day of school until Jan 5th.
I need a breaaaaak
I've been busting my ass
I need to get out of LA for a bit, I love it here, but I need to get away for a few days.
Solution: Caitlin is taking me home to Bakersfield for the weekend to show me a good time
and then after Christmas I am heading straight to Sacramento for some quality time with friends.
I need the comfort of best friends
I need to talk, share, vent, etc.
It doesn't even seem like Christmas is next week.
I would have totally forgot if people didn't keep bringing it up.
It doesn't feel like Christmas, it's been cold a few days here, but nothing that I'm used to.
I'm sure i'll be in for a big change when I get up to Sac. haha.
it's been in the 60s here and i complain that it's cold.
I dunno how i'm gonna handle the 30-40 degree weather up there.
I don't even care about Christmas this year, which is weird
it just doesn't feel like the holidays when i'm not living with my family.
I decorated my house a bit, but i never even had time to put ornaments on my tree.
I've been toooooo busy
School is amazing
and after we get back from break we only have 4 weeks left of special effects and then we're done.
i can't believe it's almost over.
i'm going to miss it a lot
and i'm going to have to get back into adult mode and start working
I'm really proud of what I've been able to do though.
We began sculpting maquettes this week
Going into this having never sculpted anything ever,
i'm pretty stoked at how well this is turning out.
it's not done, but i'm happy with how it's turning out so far.
in special effects class i will be taking an impression of someone's face,
making a mold, re-sculpting this onto the mold, and then making a full face mask appliance!
My little demon man:
Another completely amazing day
I don't even mind working 12 hrs straight.
This is exactly what I want to be doing.
I love being on set
I love being important and needed
I love meeting new people and spending the day chillin and chatting.
Today's music video shoot for A Static Lullaby's song "Toxic" went so well.
It's a cover of the Britney Spears song
so they had 3 blonde girls that were Britney look a likes.
we did hair and makeup for the girls and the band.
everyone was super chill.
the guys were incredibly nice and fun to hangout with.
the video is going to be hilarious
it's super cheezy
so the whole video has parts of the set and the director and crew in the backround
I'm in parts of it doing makeup on the singer while he's singing.
and then throughout other parts we run in and fix makeup and hair on the band
it's gonna be awesome
i can't wait to see it :-)
we finished the video early today, it was 6am-6pm, instead of going till 8.
so a few of the boys came over to kick it for a bit afterwords.
super chill dudes.
I love working on music videos.
I really hope this becomes a frequent thing
basically i'm just stoked on my life right now.
I never thought i'd be doing this much stuff before I even graduated school.
I've been proud of many things I've accomplished in my life thus far,
but all of this means the most to me.
I took a fantasy job I've been wanting to do since i was 11
and made it the start of a reality 10 years later.
I made life changing decision to move away from everything and chase a dream.
I hope i can keep this up.
but even if i can't, the last 5 months have been an experience of a lifetime and i wouldn't trade it for anything.
I know i say the same things all the time, but i'm just really stoked about it all.
Real life starts again tomorrow.
school this week, friday is the last day and then I don't go back till jan 5th!
i'll be making a trip to Bakersfield to party it up with my friend Caitlin in her home town.
and then spending some time in OC with my parents and other family.
thinkin about making a trip to the 916 to spend some legit time with people I miss dearly, since I haven't spent real time there in months.
Life couldn't be better, and I don't think i've ever been in a position where I could say that.
I'm finally truely happy on my own.
Sleep time. I'm exhausted.
-S.
Agraceful's music video shoot.
Yesterday was amazing.
woke up at 2:30am, only had about four and a half hours of sleep.
got ready
drove to pick up Caitlin
drove to Atomic Studios where the video was being filmed.
our work day started at 4am
the studio was legit
tons of different sets inside.
the band was awesome
super nice guys
they had played a show friday night, and went straight to the studio after
they were running on no sleep all day
savages.
Caitlin and I did hair and makeup for the boys
and spent all day touching up, re-powdering, fixing hair etc.
it was exactly where i wanted to be and exactly what i wanted to be doing
i love music and i love being apart of it and as involved as i can.
and this is the only way i will ever be apart of the music industry.
the band shot 2 videos yesterday, they're going to be really fucking cool
i can't wait to see them finished
the whole crew was legit as well.
it was a fun day, and an exhausting one.
i got home around 5:30-6pm
layed on the couch around 7,
thinking i was just going to take a nap and go out later that night.
immediately passed out, haaarddd.
woke up around 1am to a phone full of text messages,
did my best to reply and then passed out again before i could even think about going to my bed.
wokeup this morning around 10:30,
realizing i had passed out on the couch, still fully clothed.
i got like 15+ hours of much needed sleep.
hahaha
check out the band, they're really fucking good.
time for bed.
tomorrow it's a longer day
6am-8pm for A Static Lullaby's new video.
"I think that for me, everyday would be the last day of summer.
Or I'd be left out in the cold, with no place to go.
Because, there are very few people that I can relate to
to every day of my life, forever,
that will understand me,
Because I've gone places where very few people ever go.
I mean, I played the ultimate gamble of all; I gambled my life."
I can't stop listening to Lydia.
From the first time I heard them, they've been an instant favorite.
The quote from above is from a song I can't stop listening to
It's a spoken part sampled in over the music and I love it
because sometimes I really feel like I don't fully connect or relate to anyone.
and I actually don't mind that feeling
I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, and thinking about things in different ways
as a result of the car accident i was involved in on wednesday.
i'm back to no longer being able to drive without having a ridiculous amount of anxiety.
I was stopped at a light on my way to school wednesday morning
there were cars in front of me and a car behind me.
and then i heard those all too familliar sounds
sounds i hope i never hear again.
the screaming squeal of tires attempting to stop abruptly
the crunching of two cars slamming together
and as it all processed in my head
i looked into my rearview mirror
just in time to see the car behind me slam the back of my car.
i didn't have time to process what was actually going on as my vision was blurred
while the back of my head slammed against my headrest a few times and i struggled to force my foot onto my break, but i had already hit the car in front of me.
instantly i burst into hysterical tears
beacuse as soon as i heard the cars smash
i had flashbacks of the accident i was in 3 years ago when i was t-boned on my driver's side , in a hit-and-run and stranded alone in Stockton for an hour before the police even showed up.
i expected the cars to just drive away at any moment on wednesday like my last accident.
i wasn't seriously injured
although my neck, shoulders and back are sore as fuck
my car is at a body shop, and i'm waiting to find out how bad the damage actually is.
i hired an attorney to take care of everything and make sure it all gets paid for.
i have to see a chiropractor twice a week for my back and neck until who knows when.
and immediately after the accident all i could hear in my head, besides the sound of screaching tires and smashing cars playing over and over, was Dane fucking Cook:
"why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80?!"
and then of course i couldn't find a pen to write anything down.
ohhhh irony.
haha.
and then since i was all emotional, vulnerable and thinking about how lucky i was that nothing really bad happend i made a rash decision.
i attempted to make things cool with someone who used to mean something to me
because for a split second i thought it would be comforting to talk to them
but they just wanted to turn that into a fight for no reason instead.
that definitely didn't help the awful day i was having
but whatever
so thank you for that, in case you ever still look here..
Time to get my makeup kit together and go to bed.
I have to be up at 2:30AM.. (yeah, shiiiiittyyy)
so i can get ready, pick up a friend and then head to the studio where the music video we're doing makeup for is being shot at.
Agraceful's new music video :-)
we are working from 4am-4pm
starbucks isn't even open that early!
haha so i'll be making like 40 cups of coffee at my house.
-S.
Remember, cause that's all you can do
"Dear Sam,
I'm sorry I pushed you away from everything we had, even me.
I couldn't ask you to wait forever.
But that doesn't mean that my feelings have changed,
every day your face is clearer.
Regret is the burden I'll carry from here to my grave.
This distance is the knife in my heart.
Let him know the treasure he has.
Don't let him make my mistakes.
Forever is never to long to wait for something perfect,
I'll be here.
Love always"
Things are just getting started
I just landed a fucking legit opportunity.
I am doing makeup for two music videos.
Agraceful (myspace.com/agraceful) on the 13th
and A Static Lullaby on the 15th
with Director Robby Starbuck (myspace.com/robbystarbuck)
so fucking stoked.
and i miiiiiight be doing a photoshoot for Fear Before aka (fear before the march of flames)
*fingers crossed*
I hope things keep going this well :-)
-S.
Oh December
This year is so close to being over
the last 5 months have raced by
but they've been so unbelievably amazing.
it's amazing how much can happen
and how much can change within such a short amount of time.
I've been doing photo shoots and fashion shows left and right.
I am endlessly busy
my time is constantly occupied
I'm rarely home
almost every day of every week has something going on.
And I couldn't be happier.
I've watched and felt myself change since I've been here.
change for the better.
discovered myself from scratch.
I was given the chance to go somewhere new and start over.
and I did.
I left behind everything I was identified by and associated with.
no longer someone who anyone had any preconceived notions about.
no longer just identified by
who i am friends with,
who I've dated,
who i used to be friends with,
the bands i used to hangout with,
who i was in high school
I've never known myself outside of all of that completely or all at once.
and i really figured out who i am without it all.
I've never been stronger, happier, more sure of myself, more confident, or more blessed than I am now.
It's a nice feeling to have.
There is so much going on in my life that it's overwhelming,
but it's more exciting than anything I could imagine.
I love school
we've been doing prosthetics for the past 2 weeks.
this is what I came to school for
I love special FX
we took impressions of each other's faces, poured stone into them to make them into molds, picked a character to turn our partner into, sculpted a nose and forehead out of clay onto the molds, then poured stone over those to make another mold to fit over the original, then we filled the altered mold with foam latex and put the original mold on top, the foam in the molds gets baked in an oven and then a foam latex appliance is created.
it's so much work but so much fun.
this is basically the process that is used all the time to make things for film and television.
like in The Grinch for the Who noses.
The next few weeks should be fun- 2 fashion shows, going to Disneyland, possibly some photo shoots, and then it's Christmas break and I'll be able to spend time with my parents at their new place in Orange County and ride the horses they just bought.
Alright, that's all the blogging I have time for tonight.
-S.
I got the call. I'm ready for surgery. I can't miss school, so I have to wait till I'm out. February 4th is the big day. Anxious, happy, excited.
I'm pretty sure this is the happiest I've ever been..ever..Details to follow when I have the time.. But I'm finally getting myself back :-D
-S.
The new begining.
I've been thinking a lot about my life lately.
about the past few years
the events
the memories
the changes
My last trip "home" made me realize a lot of things.
Sacramento is no longer home.
moving away was the absolute best decision I've ever made
I need to rediscover myself because I haven't been able to recognize myself in years.
For three years I was holding onto something that I thought was right
when in reality it was never right and it never lasted.
I was in denial about a lot of things
I was blinded by a lot of things
I was sacraficing parts of myself for no good reason
I was letting myself become exactly who I didn't want to be.
Every advancement I had made in who i was becoming within the last few years was trampled by the repeated setbacks I fell into.
Now that i'm away from it all I am able to move forward and am no longer in fear of losing myself as a consequence of someone else's actions.
I still don't have it all figured out but I know where I came from and know I never want to be there again.
I will never let someone else make me feel small, weak, not good enough or repeatedly lower my self esteem again.
Moved on. Moving forward. NEVER looking back.
You're either with me from this point on or you're not with me at all.
I'm done with games. I'm done with backstabbers. I'm done with shady people.
I'm done being walked all over. I'm done putting up with shit. I'm done being second best.
I'm happier than I've been in so long and i'm so happy with the way things are going.
I've never been busier either. I love it.
And i'm proud that I'm out here living my life and accomplishing my dreams.
Thursday is going to be the start of something BIG.
Notice the "muah" logo on the flyer below.
That's me bitches.
M.U.A.H (make up and hair)
M.U.A.H (make up and hair)
Myself, my sister, and a few of my girls from school are in charge of makeup and hair for this event.
it's a big deal, at an exclusive club.
celebs. press. red carpet.
we are the exclusive hair and makeup team for Blive Couture and there are already FOUR more shows booked for us after Thursday.
If you ever doubted me, said I couldn't do it, didn't think I'd love it in LA, didn't think I'd make this my life... this is my big FUCK YOU.
Everything is falling into place
I'm over it fully and completely, for the first time ever.
I am a lot stronger than I've been in the past
and I am thankful.
Things are finally moving forward for me in LA.
I am no longer living a double life with half my heart in Sacramento and half of it here.
All of me is here now, as it should have been from the start.
Live and learn
I am done breaking promises to myself and will stick with the new ones I have made.
It's a lot easier to move forward when you're not being pulled back
and now that I'm not looking back it's even better.
You couldn't pay me to move back to Sacramento
I am exactly where I belong and each passing week only imprints that more and more into my mind and my heart.
School is hard and there are some days where I struggle so much that I just want to quit
But I won't.
I've reached the point where I am questioning if this is really what I want to do with my life, but only time will tell.
For now this is the answer and I'm living in the present and not worrying about the future.
I've been meeting so many new people
I love being surrounded by things and people that are new and different.
It's a nice change
Career wise things are picking up.
I work regularly with a photographer doing makeup for the bands that he shoots.
Last night I did a photoshoot at Les Deux for an up and coming clothing line, Believe Couture.
And I will now be part of a team working regularly on photoshoots and fashion shows for the line.
We have three runway shows booked already.
Things are about to get big
and this is just the begining.
ready or not, here I come.
S.
I wrote this a year ago
I was the song you wrote in your head but never sang
and on a sunny afternoon in the City you'll think of me
reminding you of that day you watched as the wind blew through my hair
how the sunlight caught my eyes just right
and in an instant you thought they had never looked greener
carry my song with you
hum its tune in your head
where you know it's safe
for to sing it outloud would conquer unknown fear
and today is not the day to do so
you'll hear my song in your head
it will sound the same until the day the right words find it
and find you
it will no longer be just the melody in your head
it will be alive
and it will sing itself to you
on a dark winter night, when the chill in the air sends shivers up my spine
I'll remember you
and the time your eyes told me everything I needed to know
before the words spilled from your mouth
and should the day come
where the words and the tune choose to be sang from your lips
I wonder if I'll be there to hear it
will the song I carry in my heart in turn be your song?
a song to reciprocate
or will the song I sing that day be a song that is meant for someone else?
the outcome is unknown
so I will go forth and carry the song in my heart
humming along
until the day my song is ready for whomever it chooses
and on a sunny afternoon in the City you'll think of me
reminding you of that day you watched as the wind blew through my hair
how the sunlight caught my eyes just right
and in an instant you thought they had never looked greener
carry my song with you
hum its tune in your head
where you know it's safe
for to sing it outloud would conquer unknown fear
and today is not the day to do so
you'll hear my song in your head
it will sound the same until the day the right words find it
and find you
it will no longer be just the melody in your head
it will be alive
and it will sing itself to you
on a dark winter night, when the chill in the air sends shivers up my spine
I'll remember you
and the time your eyes told me everything I needed to know
before the words spilled from your mouth
and should the day come
where the words and the tune choose to be sang from your lips
I wonder if I'll be there to hear it
will the song I carry in my heart in turn be your song?
a song to reciprocate
or will the song I sing that day be a song that is meant for someone else?
the outcome is unknown
so I will go forth and carry the song in my heart
humming along
until the day my song is ready for whomever it chooses
And through everything that's happend over the last year
not much has changed,
except now I pray that my heart song chooses someone else.
If there were a way to stop myself from having dreams, I would.
No matter how good the greatest dreams have ever been
it would be worth it to give them up to save myself from the dreams I've been having for the last three years.
I can try all I want to let go and forget, and then it all comes back in a dream like everything is going to be ok and like it never changed in the first place..
When I know it's obviously not going to be, it hasn't ever been.
My mind is continuing to torture me, as if years of it wasn't enough already,
these almost nightly recurrences are devastating.
It just puts me in the exact mood and mindset I've been trying to escape.
And makes me dwell on things...
stupid little details
things said and things done
emotionally and physically.
questions I'll never have answers to
the closure I've been waiting for and will never receive
the lack of understanding
the realization of misinterpretation
the constant lingering of "why?"
the false hope that is always floating somewhere in the back of my mind
the ounce of optimism that I can't drown out with pessimism
the memories of the last several times I've been through this exact same shit.
It takes me right back to the place I've been trying so hard to escape from
and no matter how far I run, I am dragged right back
only to have to start all over again.
Sometimes I'm not sure if I'd even choose to keep all the memories if I had the choice.
They seem to do more harm than good.
Fuck dreaming.
"Facing forwards, sinking in thin air
Help me to learn to breathe again
I know I've lost my way
So show me
There are demons inside my head
I always let them win
I have to learn to suffocate them
The lost ask for a hand
But I can't stop, I never stop
I've been losing my footing here
I'm all mixed up in this
I need some kind of change
God make it stop, I can't make it stop
This place is getting smaller
Everything in your darkest thoughts about me might be true
I hear the words you say, I still feel nothing
I put my voice out there for you to hear
But the words never made much sense to you
I've lost my path I'm fading fast
Time is short
Time is up
This is really my plan
To get out in one piece
Is this really your plan
To keep me lost and on my knees
I say redemption
Can someone help me hold on"
I really should stop reading lyrics.
"You're unsure and you're not ready so that must mean I want you
You're unavailable and disinterested and to you I look for comfort
A million times in a million ways I will try to change you
A million months and a million days I'll try to somehow convince you
I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm done
You're too young or you're too old or you're simply not inclined
You're asleep or you're withholding be that my cue to crave you
Several times in several ways I'll try to squeeze love from you
Several hours and several ways I'll feast on scraps thrown from you
I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done
I have depressed for you and contorted for you and I'm done
I have stifled for you and I've compromised for you and I'm done
I have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I'm done
It won't be long before I am reclaimed
It won't take long and I'll be on path again
It won't be easy for us to disengage
I'm at the end of self deprivation stage
You're afraid of every woman afraid of your inner workings
You cringe at the thought of living under the same roof as me god and everything
A million times and a million ways I've tried to alter to match you
Several times every several days I've tried to uncrush on you"
-ALANIS MORISSETTE
....................................................................................... ."With your eyes closed, watching a strange showPlay out in your head, but you were smiling somehow
And your day frozeAnd everyone in it sat still as a rose,But we were moving somehow.Back to where we started,Losing who we were.Maybe we should only tip a bottle back to keep us filled up.Back to where we started,Losing who we were.
Everybody knows that you’d break your neck to keep your chin up.Open your eyes and the drops come,And a snail raced down to your neck, And looked up,But you were smiling somehow.Back to where we started,Losing who we were. Maybe we should only tip a bottle back to keep us filled up. Back to where we started,Losing who we were,Everybody knows that you’d break your neck to keep your chin up.""Fell past a cheekbone hillTo a piece of her floor.The hope of the worldIn an awkward spill.Oh she'd lie on her bedAnd stare into harsh white light.And think that her heart's not right.'Cause love took her hand like a thief,took her heart like a robber and the feelings that scare her become her relief.Just let me run where I want to run
Just let me love who I want.Just let me run where I want to runJust let me love who I want.In a flash a heart is slain.You have to ask in all this pain
Was your heart too soft?Was your love in vain?Was your kiss too weak?Were your eyes too tight?And much too young to be in love.Much too young to be in love.Just let me run where I want to run.Just let me love who I want.Just let me run where I want to run.Just let me love who I want.There are no rules for this love.Just keep your head and don't give up.Like all the fools who play it smartLose your head just for your heartJust for your heart..."Oh Copeland, you're such a fucking good band.Between their lyrics and Underoath's I think I would have the soundtrack to my life,or the past 3 and a half years at least.I'm pretty sure that second song is like my anthem.I don't care if I'm posting on here too much, it's the only outlet i have for my thoughts at the moment.Everyone close to me is hours and hours awayand the things I need to talk about are not things to text or call about.I need a face to face, shoulder to cry on situation and I need it with someone I'm close to.
Today was a fucking awful daythe kind where you just want to have a massive breakdown and cry and cry.I fought back from losing it completely all day at school.and it wasn't even related to the recent reoccurring heartbreak, (I'm actually becoming ok with and accepting of that situation thanks to a few good conversations with people who care about me which led to a list of eye-opening realizations and things I'd been in denial about...Silly me)
I've just been so overwhelmed with everything going on that I feel like I'm about to reach my breaking point.There is so much going on and I just want to sit and talk about it, but the one person I want to talk to the most is now the one person I can't.That's the part that kills me, more than the other details of it,knowing it's not even an option anymore to be comforted by the one person who knows and understands me in a way no one else does.
asdfghjkl;zxcvbnm,.qwertyuiop
Overwhelmed, frustrated, terrified, nervous, doubtful, sad, unsure.I need to figure out a way to turn it all around.And will have to figure out a way to just handle everything on my own, or at least for another 2 weeks until I can be with a few of my friends in Sacramento.
He's in love with tragedy, in love with tragedyShe was a wreck, but he loved herShe was a wreck, but so was heAnd the last time he saw Dorie,he didn't know what to say but"Thank you because you loved me, it's all on me cause I didn't want to stay, I didn't want to stay..."Live, live, live because you love, love, loveAnd love will make you give, give, giveAnd give in when you break, break, breakBut you just want to fix yourselfJust to break again...
I just want to be loved, nothing more, nothing less
"It's your eyes,
it's what always gets me.
When we speak,
when you laugh,
when you make love,
when you fuck hahaha,
when you cry,
no matter what your eyes are always full of emotion and intensity.
And in the little looks you give me that aren't super intense emotions or anything,
I still always see something that makes me get like sucked into your tractor beam.
It's crazy."
Someone will actually mean this one day, and I'm looking forward to that.
October 21
Exactly one year.. to the DATE of the last time this happened.
are you fucking kidding me?
the shock value is less every time.
it hurts less every time
i get over it easier every time
as much as i try to overcome the expectation and assumption
the fear is always looming in the back of my mind.
and i had every reason to doubt
actions speak louder than the sugar coated words that always reel me in.
they cloud my memories of the pain, a temporary Novocaine.
i just couldn't quit
like a drug
my heroin
i was addicted for three long years
never getting enough
never being enough
giving giving giving
i was blinded while everyone else saw it coming
i hoped for the best, again
while everyone was waiting on the other end for this to happen, as expected.
this is my self mutilation
this is my gambling addiction
the substance i abuse is love, my love, the love i so undeservingly give and give.
never getting back what i deserve, but always thinking i might.
everyone was right. from the start.
i thought i couldn't trust other people.. but really, i can't trust myself.
i know what i deserve, i just wanted it to all be given to me by the one person i had always wanted.
is that so much to ask?
to be loved in return?
apparently
it's too much work.
too difficult
what is love?
everything i know about it is a lie.
for once it would be nice to know what it's like to have someone who would do whatever they could to keep me
to be endlessly wanted
someone who doesn't make me feel insecure about never being good enough
someone i don't have to always worry about changing their mind one day.
someone who makes time for me
someone who wants nothing more than to hear my voice at the end of the day
someone who wants to share things with me
someone who believes in me
someone who can show they love me and not just sweep me off my feet with empty words.
someone who actually means what they say
someone who is not afraid
someone who just wants to make me smile.
i hope i'm not broken.
i hope i will be able to trust myself again one day
i hope i will let myself love again
and pathetic as it is i still fucking hope it all works out in the future.
because it's all i've been wanting for years,
pathetic.. i disgust myself.
ugh
you were all fucking right.
*insert "i told you so" here* (for the what 678th time?)
so now what? :-(
are you fucking kidding me?
the shock value is less every time.
it hurts less every time
i get over it easier every time
as much as i try to overcome the expectation and assumption
the fear is always looming in the back of my mind.
and i had every reason to doubt
actions speak louder than the sugar coated words that always reel me in.
they cloud my memories of the pain, a temporary Novocaine.
i just couldn't quit
like a drug
my heroin
i was addicted for three long years
never getting enough
never being enough
giving giving giving
i was blinded while everyone else saw it coming
i hoped for the best, again
while everyone was waiting on the other end for this to happen, as expected.
this is my self mutilation
this is my gambling addiction
the substance i abuse is love, my love, the love i so undeservingly give and give.
never getting back what i deserve, but always thinking i might.
everyone was right. from the start.
i thought i couldn't trust other people.. but really, i can't trust myself.
i know what i deserve, i just wanted it to all be given to me by the one person i had always wanted.
is that so much to ask?
to be loved in return?
apparently
it's too much work.
too difficult
what is love?
everything i know about it is a lie.
for once it would be nice to know what it's like to have someone who would do whatever they could to keep me
to be endlessly wanted
someone who doesn't make me feel insecure about never being good enough
someone i don't have to always worry about changing their mind one day.
someone who makes time for me
someone who wants nothing more than to hear my voice at the end of the day
someone who wants to share things with me
someone who believes in me
someone who can show they love me and not just sweep me off my feet with empty words.
someone who actually means what they say
someone who is not afraid
someone who just wants to make me smile.
i hope i'm not broken.
i hope i will be able to trust myself again one day
i hope i will let myself love again
and pathetic as it is i still fucking hope it all works out in the future.
because it's all i've been wanting for years,
pathetic.. i disgust myself.
ugh
you were all fucking right.
*insert "i told you so" here* (for the what 678th time?)
so now what? :-(
October is not a great month for me, two years in a row.
Waiting, waiting, waiting..that's all I've been doing...
but what's the point?
How long can you play the same game before you realize it's not worth your time and you finally give up, give in and quit?
Take Monopoly for example:
It's one of those "oh it's been so long since I've played, let's play!" sort of things.
It's the game you think you love but once you've been sitting there playing for hours you realize it's really not that fun
because you realize it's exactly the same every time.
It drags on, and several things happen-
someone usually finds a way to cheat, someone wins by a lot,
someone goes completely bankrupt,
or someone quits because they're tired and don't want to play anymore.
I've been playing for years, and when I mistakenly think I'm winning, or that it's tied,
is when I lose.
And no matter how many times I lose, there's always that possibility that the next time I play it will be better.
It's getting redundant.
As for things that truely matter,
I've been ridiculously busy with school and life
I hardly have time for cleaning my house or doing laundry
I have a growing list of friends I need to call back but can't find the time to set aside to do so.
I try to go to bed as early as I can on the nights I don't go out.
Makeup school is kicking my ass but I love it,
I'm learning, I'm improving.
I've been working on a few photoshoots
I worked on a runway show during LA fashion week
I'm preparing to do hair and makeup with a team of girls for a dance show in Long Beach this weekend.
I go out to an indie/electro dance club every Wednesday and love love love it.
There are more things to do during the week than during the weekends
and because of that I am constantly exhausted, but I don't even care.
I'm constantly surrounded by new people
I've been making a lot of new friends
I've been hanging out with a lot of girls, which is reaaally different for me.
I registered to vote today at a Starbucks a few miles away and was the ONLY non-black person in there.. that was interesting. haha
I feel so at home, it's almost been 3 months since I moved.. crazy.
I am sooo happy to be here.
-S.
Hello October, please treat me better than you did last year, ok?
I reeeaalllyy want this all to continue to work. Thank you. <3
-S.
The Grey Man
"Don't worry now, it's all erased
Burn to grey and white
Your fireproof heart was never wasted
And steady all the while
So you say
Don't worry now, it's all come back
Colorless as night
You'll be there, you'll see her face
And hear her all the while
By the time you've found your way,
You're gonna run right back to the start
Don't think you're lost
You're gonna run right back to the start
And when you finally think it's gone,
You're gonna run right back to her arms
Don't worry now, it's all erased
Burn to grey and white
Tell yourself you don't still taste her
Or hear her through the night
By the time you've found your way,
You've gotta run right back to the start
Don't think you're lost
You're gonna run right back to the start
And when you finally think it's gone
You're gonna run right back to her arms
Run, run, fast enough to lose yourself
By the time you've found you way, You're gonna run right back to the start
Don't think you're lost
You're gonna run right back to the start
And when you finally think it's gone
You're gonna run right back to the start
You're gonna run right back to the start
You're gonna run right back to the start
You're gonna run right back to her arms"
I fucking love Copeland.
Perfect.
I can't wait to hear the rest of the new cd.
This weekend was blissful.
I'm sad it's over.
Leaving was harder than I thought it would be.
it's only time, it's only distance
it's worth the wait.
<3
I love makeup school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love learning
I love that I'm following my dreams
I'm so excited about my future
I love the fact that I will most likely be apart of a makeup team during LA's Fashion week!!!asdfghjkl;
I love the enormous makeup kit I got today, it makes me feel more legit haha
I love being excited about school
I love having so much passion and ambition in my life right now
I love living in LA
I love how happy my heart is. <3
I love everything and everyone involved in my personal life.
I feel so lucky that I am from california and didn't have to come from another country or state to go to my makeup school,
unlike several of my classmates.
I am thankful for everyone in my life and all the opportunity I have been given
I am so blissfully happy right now
I am so blissfully happy right now
thank you to everyone who is apart of my life
I love you!
S.
ahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahaha
I start school tomorrow
and until January 30th I will not have much of a life outside of the makeup industry
and once I get a job I will have even less of a life
so basically,
if i'm not serving you drinks at wherever i get a job
or i'm not doing your makeup
you will rarely see me.
*UNLESS YOU COME VISIT ME DURING THE FEW MOMENTS OF FREE TIME I FIND*
If i become distant i am sorry
to those that know they mean something to me or i mean something to you,
please stick with me
i will do my best to keep in touch
but i will be extremely busy
and i want to be busy
being busy means i'm that much closer to making this dream my reality
Makeup school:
Monday through Friday, 9am-4pm
September 8th-January 30th
These are going to be the most challenging times of my life
I will push myself as hard as i can
learn as much as i can
get as much experience as i can
and be as confident in myself and my work as i can
this is my dream
and i'm giving it my all.
<3
S.
Excuse me September,
but where the FUCK did you come from?
haha seerriouussly
I say it month after month
but I still can't believe how quickly this year has flown by
but I still can't believe how quickly this year has flown by
yikes!
Everything is going so well right now
and it scares the hell out of me
because I'm afraid it's all going to come crashing down.
But I won't let it.
I'm keeping hope
staying optimistic
and I'm focusing on the smile in my heart.
I have SO much shit to get done this week
before school starts on Monday.
I'm one busy bee right now.
<3
S.
Everything
happens for a reason..
some things are undeniable.
I just need to figure out what it all really means to me and what I want..
but then again, I'm not in a hurry
I'm just letting things play out as they will.
I do know this:
it's comforting, reassuring, and makes me smiley.
that's a good start.
S.
hmmm
i like this.
risk
chance
passion
discovery
mistakes
joy
fear
love
adventure
i'm all about living on the edges.
bring em on.
walking to the bus stop in the morning reminds me of the month i spent in athens, greece.
the brisk air, the early morning traffic, the unfamiliar buildings.
a little smile creeps across my face every time i'm out.
actually, most of LA reminds me of Athens.
except there are more people that speak english, although not by much haha
and the majority of the building signs are in english.. with the exception of Koreatown and the significantly Jewish area up the street from me.
If there's a culture I love more than the Greeks, it's the Jews (my people) so I'm pretty stoked it's all around me.
I love LA more and more, and I'm afraid that one day that's going to stop.
and then what am i supposed to do? move back to sacramento?
I can't and I won't.
I'm just hoping I continue to love it here,
optimism!
plus, there is so much I still have to discover here,
I think it'll keep me interested for quite some time
i love all of the culture
the constant honking
the realness
the rudeness
the big dirty city
living near the beach
santa monica
places within walking distance
finding new places i want to go everyday
i don't even care about the traffic anymore.
I just know to plan ahead and leave ridiculously early if I need to be somewhere.
for the first time in my life i really feel like i know what i'm doing
and i feel like i'm where i need to be.
everything is falling into place.
the rest of my family is moving down to my side of the state
i got approved for the loan for my school
my grandpa generously decided to pay 6 months of our rent, (that's $12,000 less i don't have to worry about)
my sister and i have managed to live together for a month and have gotten along more than not.
all that's left is:
school starting in a few weeks
finding a bartending job (hopefully I get hired at the place i turned an application into today)
expanding my social network
and maybe finding a down ass guy to spend my limited free time with
although, that last one i'm not anxious for.
I'm absolutely enjoying being independent and living for myself
i couldn't handle someone thinking i want to spend all my time with them right now.
maybe that sounds selfish
but too bad.
this is the ONE time in my life where i am allowed to be selfish.
i am young, ambitious and talented; there's no reason why i shouldn't be living my life exactly how i want to.
which just happens to mean i'm not wasting my time on just any guy that wants my attention.
i have more important things to focus on, like my career and my self-sufficient future.
Time for reading and bed
-S.
It's been cold all day, I'm so glad to be back in LA! I've got a job interview at a pretty classy restaraunt tomorrow. I am so NERVOUS! Ahhh!
Blue driver/Blue screw
Either of those could be a good name for what I am drinking.
Blue Moon beer with orange juice.
I am trying to force myself to drink beer hahah.
It's actually pretty tasty this way.
It's like a ghetto Mimosa.
The sad part is, I'm halfway through drinking it, and already buzzed.
hahahahah
I'm such a cheap drunk.
Today was an interesting day.
My family is home from Washington after being gone all week.
My dad quit his job and moved back to California.
thank fucking god.
I'm glad my family is whole again, well minus Court and I living on our own.
Instead of moving to Washington, my parents and youngest sister will be moving somewhere in SoCal.
I can't wait for my family to all be in one general location again.
My baby sister,
who's almost 12, wears a size 10 shoe, and is taller than my 18yr old sister,
started middle school today.
7th grade.
So fucking weird.
I still treat her like she's the baby sister, it's so weird that she's like her own little person now.
She has so much personality and she's so unique, I can't wait to see how she turns out.
I discovered that I love Bed Bath & Beyond today,
they seriously have EVERYTHING!
I just wandered around the store looking at things I wanted.
Mostly silly things for my kitchen or cool art work.
Spent my $100 gift card- toaster, blender and a Brita water filter because the water in LA tastes like ass. ugh.
Then I took a $75 Wal-Mart gift card and wandered all around wondering what the eff I was going to use it on.
dvds: grandma's boy, blow, anchorman
alcohol: hypnotiq, jager,bacardi, 12pk blue moon.
sweet&sour mix, club soda.
Stocking my personal bar sounded like a good investment
TIME FOR A PARTY AT MY PLACE! HAHAHA
I'm going back to LA tomorrow
and I am so ready to be home.
I miss it a lot and it's a good time for me to go back.
The past 10 days in Sac were totally awesome.
Adventures, MIDTOWN! bars, clubs, parties, sushi for breakfast, drinks, raging, dancing, friends, smoking, catching up with people I hadn't seen in ages, meeting new people,
spending the better part of the week getting to know someone new, getting tattooed, getting pierced...it was just a lot of fun.
I'm happy to have gotten to spend quality time with friends.
And to no one's surprise I also reconciled a friendship I was worried I had lost.
predictable.
Maybe it's for the best, maybe it's not.
No one's opinion or advice matters, or ever really has in this case.
It is what it is, and it all works when it wants to.
I'm done thinking into it,
things happen for a reason.
life is to short to let dumb shit get in the way of the things that really matter.
Time for bed.
I've got a long day tomorrow.
Thanks for a good time Sacramento.
See ya in 6 weeks.
LA here I come!
<3>
S.
Weed and ibuprofen make one hell of a pain killer when combined.
Reason=finished my tattoo, got a new piercing and went to the orthodontist :-D
Irony- the most pain is originating from my mouth.
hahaha
Spacers are the most annoyingly painful thing ever, they don't just hurt, they make all your teeth too sore to eat.
asdfghjkl;
Tattoo me for an hour or pierce me and I'm finneeee.
Throw eight little pieces of elastic in between my teeth and I want scream!
I am so ridiculous.
I fucking did it!
I'm officially a bartender!!!!! :-D
of course I passed, I worked my ass off for this!
See ya in a few hours 916.
I can't let my nerves get the best of me
One hundred-forty god damn flash cards.
Each with multiple ingredients.
Not to mention I have to know the different flavors and brands of liquors and liqueurs.
Bartending is some hard shit.
My test is at 11am today.
I'm completely nervous and get all shaky every time I think about it.
and I don't know why.
It's really not that big of a deal, if I don't pass, I can re-take it next week.
But the thought of failing after I've put so much effort in is what bothers me.
I don't take failure very well.
I am used to succeeding.
I've spent more time practicing and studying for this than I have for anything, ever.
Yesterday I studied my flashcards from the time I got home from school, 5pm ish, till about 2am with a few breaks here and there.
That's unheard of for me.
I don't study.
but this isn't like a dumb college exam where you can bullshit your way through it or guess through multiple choice.
You either know this or you don't. plain and simple.
As of right now, I know ALL OF THEM.
From the glass it goes in, the order the liquids are poured to what garnishes the glass.
And I'm not worried about making them fast enough.
12 drinks in 7 minutes is easy for me.
All week I have been the fastest or second fastest during our practice drills.
I've been pushing myself.
Right now all that is going to hold me back are my nerves.
If I stay calm, and keep my head clear, there should be no problem.
I need to be precise with my pouring, and make sure I don't under-pour my drinks because I am rushing.
I need to stay focused and pay attention.
If I only worry about making the drinks correctly, I should do just fine.
Like I said, I've got the speed down naturally.
It probably sounds like I'm taking this way too seriously
but think about it,
if I get hired as a bartender there is literally NO LIMIT in the amount of money I can bring home every night.
we're talking easily $100 in cash
for having fun and having a good memory
I am so fucking excited about this.
I love it.
Time to get some food, go over my cards again and get ready.
Either way, I'll be in Sacramento tonight with things to look forward to:
seeing the few people I still call friends up there,
getting my tattoo finished,
hopefully seeing Anthony Green and one of my absolute favorite bands live, Portugal the Man.
It's gonna be a good week.
eek here I go!
"You must do everything that frightens you.
Everything.
I'm not talking about risking your life, but everything else.
Think about fear,
decide right now how you're doing to deal with fear,
because fear is going to be the great issue of your life;
I promise you.
Fear will be the fuel for all your success,
and the root cause of all your failures,
and the underlying dilemma in every story you tell yourself about yourself.
And the only chance you'll have against fear?
Follow it. Steer by it.
Don't think of fear as the villain.
Think of fear as your guide, your pathfinder"
I found this quote in a bulletin someone posted.
It's amazing and completely true and inspiring.
Saturday will mark three weeks since I moved to Los Angeles.
The time has flown by, as I have been incredibly busy.
So far, I absolutely LOVE living here,
moving was the best choice I could have made at this time in my life.
I finally feel like I am where I belong
and no longer have that feeling of being stuck like I did in Rocklin.
We finally got everything unpacked and settled in.
The house is all decorated and so fucking adorable.
I love it.
I don't even mind hand washing all of the dishes :-)
Last week I went to Las Vegas with my family and my Grandpa
the trip I had been promised since the last time we were in Vegas,
when I was 16 and I was there for a dance competition.
Even though I wasn't there with a big group of friends, I still had a good time.
My parents are FAR from squares and we're part Irish,
so obviously the drinking comes naturally.
At least it didn't cost me anything
I got all the alcohol I could drink for free and got to gamble with money I was given.
It ruled.
I could have done with out the blazing heat and the insane amounts of cigarette smoke, but that's Vegas for ya.
It would have been nice to have been able to go to the clubs with my sister, but that'll have to wait another two and a half years.
Luckily Christina and Mike were there and we got to have one night of hanging out and getting hammered. :-)
No celeb sightings yet, haha
but really, I'm not even looking.
at least once a day I see a Bentley or some other ridiculously fucking nice car.
not to mention I live about 2 blocks from a few exotic car dealerships.
I love my house.. did I say that already?
get this,
My landlord is a professional hairstylist.
she worked on the set of some soap opera ( i forgot which one) for like 10 years or something
and now she just does freelance work
she's always on some movie set
it's so rad
and she already told me she'd hook me up when I finish makeup school
Perfect, right?
just about everyone down here is in the industry or trying to be apart of it.
Bar tending school fucking rocks and I KICK ASS at it.
we do daily drills to practice our speed because the final test is making 12 drinks in 7 min or less.
and everyday I'm either the fastest or second fastest in the class.
today, I finished first in 6:30, and then 6:15 the next round.
and that was with me STILL having to look up drinks that I didn't have all the way memorized.
I just need to work more with my flashcards and get the memorization down and then I'll be golden.
For me the speed part is easy
I'm used to moving quickly and working with both hands from dental assisting,
so maybe that helps a little
but it still is awesome to know that I'm going to make an awesome bartender.
it's so much fun and i just feel totally natural behind the bar.
My test is Friday and I'm pretty stressed
but if I don't pass I just have to wait till the week after and take it again.
one of our instructors warned us today that we don't want to get her as our tester because she notices every little detail and she's the hardest grader.
but she said if you pass with her then you know you're the shit.
so what did I do? specifically requested that I test with her.
I don't want to just be good enough.
I want to be fucking great.
My competitive side is getting the best of me and pushing me to work harder.
I want to be great at what I do, whatever it may be.
There's a lot more drive in passion in my life right now
and I couldn't be happier about it.
I've missed feeling that way.
I'm so anxious to start makeup school
I'm terrified but I know I can do it.
When I set my mind to doing something, or wanting something,
I get it.
I almost always have had the ability to get what I want in various categories of things in my life and I don't see that as a bad thing.
It means I know how to work towards getting things and that I have the determination to be able to get what I want as well.
I want this, to be successful, to wake up and know that I'm great at what I do and that I love my job.
I want this more than ANYTHING.
My own happiness and success is all I care about right now.
And I feel perfectly fine with admitting and accepting that.
I'm at a wonderful place in my life
I'm happier than I've been in months.
I finally feel like there is NOTHING holding me back.
I've let go of all the people that were interfering, physically and emotionally.
and that's ok with me.
Over the years I've realized that people get MUCH more attached to me than I do to them.
I don't think it's because I'm holding anything back,
I just have this need for independence rooted at the core of my being
I don't rely on people for anything and enjoy being self sufficient.
Some people are the opposite and if that works for them then more power to them.
I'm not looking for anyone who needs me to complete them or thinks that they're going to complete me.
I'm looking for simply complimentary personalities to mine.
People that help bring out the best in me and vice versa.
I feel like this entry is freakishly long and completely eclectic,
but I haven't had the time to sit and write for a while
so that's how it goes.
Time to study my drinks and read the fantastic book that I can't put down
maybe I'll even finish it tonight so I can begin the sequel tomorrow
haha
I'll be up in Sacramento Friday for a few days to get the rest of my things and see the few people I actually still care about and who still care about me.
It'll be nice to see them and hangout,
but at the same time I haven't missed home at all since I've left.
This is definitely where I belong for now.
until next time-
Make yourself <3
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