Make Yourself

I can't stop listening to Lydia.

From the first time I heard them, they've been an instant favorite.

The quote from above is from a song I can't stop listening to

It's a spoken part sampled in over the music and I love it

because sometimes I really feel like I don't fully connect or relate to anyone.

and I actually don't mind that feeling

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, and thinking about things in different ways

as a result of the car accident i was involved in on wednesday.

i'm back to no longer being able to drive without having a ridiculous amount of anxiety.

I was stopped at a light on my way to school wednesday morning

there were cars in front of me and a car behind me.

and then i heard those all too familliar sounds

sounds i hope i never hear again.

the screaming squeal of tires attempting to stop abruptly

the crunching of two cars slamming together

and as it all processed in my head

i looked into my rearview mirror

just in time to see the car behind me slam the back of my car.

i didn't have time to process what was actually going on as my vision was blurred

while the back of my head slammed against my headrest a few times and i struggled to force my foot onto my break, but i had already hit the car in front of me.

instantly i burst into hysterical tears

beacuse as soon as i heard the cars smash

i had flashbacks of the accident i was in 3 years ago when i was t-boned on my driver's side , in a hit-and-run and stranded alone in Stockton for an hour before the police even showed up.

i expected the cars to just drive away at any moment on wednesday like my last accident.

i wasn't seriously injured

although my neck, shoulders and back are sore as fuck

my car is at a body shop, and i'm waiting to find out how bad the damage actually is.

i hired an attorney to take care of everything and make sure it all gets paid for.

i have to see a chiropractor twice a week for my back and neck until who knows when.

and immediately after the accident all i could hear in my head, besides the sound of screaching tires and smashing cars playing over and over, was Dane fucking Cook:

"why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80?!"

and then of course i couldn't find a pen to write anything down.

ohhhh irony.

haha.

and then since i was all emotional, vulnerable and thinking about how lucky i was that nothing really bad happend i made a rash decision.

i attempted to make things cool with someone who used to mean something to me

because for a split second i thought it would be comforting to talk to them

but they just wanted to turn that into a fight for no reason instead.

that definitely didn't help the awful day i was having

but whatever

so thank you for that, in case you ever still look here..

Time to get my makeup kit together and go to bed.

I have to be up at 2:30AM.. (yeah, shiiiiittyyy)

so i can get ready, pick up a friend and then head to the studio where the music video we're doing makeup for is being shot at.

Agraceful's new music video :-)

we are working from 4am-4pm

starbucks isn't even open that early!

haha so i'll be making like 40 cups of coffee at my house.

-S.