Make Yourself

I was out of your league
And you were 20,000 underneath the sea
Waiving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't wanna see
Down to the bottom

I wanted a junction and often there was one
You'd surface face first and we'd share our thought bubbles
And I still believe in the phrases that we breathed
But I know the distance isn't fair to cross

I was out of your league
And you were 20,000 underneath the sea
Waiving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't wanna see
Wanted you nearer

Your depths made a pressure that punctured my works and all your fluids couldn't tolerate the force of my thirst
I love the place where we shared our tiny grace
But just because it's real don't mean it's gonna work

I was out of your league
And you were 20,000 underneath the sea
Waiving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't wanna see
Wanted you nearer

And true affection floats
True affections sinks like a stone
I never felt so close 
I never felt so all alone

I was out of your league
And you were 20,000 underneath the sea
Waiving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't wanna see
Wanted you nearer 






-The Blow

Love writes a letter and sends it to hate.
My vacations ending. I'm coming home late.
The weather was fine and the ocean was great
and I can't wait to see you again.

Hate reads the letter and throws it away.
"No one here cares if you go or you stay.
I barely even noticed that you were away.
I'll see you or I won't, whatever."

Love sings a song as she sails through the sky.
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes.
And everyone knows it whenever she flies,
and also when she comes down.

Hate keeps his head up and walks through the street.
Every stranger and drifter he greets.
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
with a serious look on his face.

Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow.
Carrying with her the good things we know.
A reason to live and a reason to grow.
To trust. To hope. To care.

Hate sits alone on the hood of his car.
Without much regard to the moon or the stars.
Lazily killing the last of a jar
of the strongest stuff you can drink.

Love takes a taxi, a young man drives.
As soon as he sees her, hope fills his eyes.
But tears follow after, at the end of the ride,
cause he might never see her again.

Hate gets home lucky to still be alive.
He screams o'er the sidewalk and into the drive.
The clock in the kitchen says 2:55,
And the clock in the kitchen is slow.

Love has been waiting, patient and kind.
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign,
That the one that she cares for, who's out of his mind,
Will make it back safe to her arms.

Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door.
Weary head hung, eyes to the floor.
He says "Love, I'm sorry", and she says, "What for?
I'm yours and that's it, Whatever.
I should not have been gone for so long.
I'm yours and that's it, forever."

You're mine and that's it, forever.




-The Avett Brothers.


Gorgeous song.

Those green eyes, that black hair,
Made me a sucker, standing there,
At the remains of a high school football game,
And it don't do me any good to remember you.

In a world of tuxedos and red sequins,
The jealous girl said "that's an ugly dress,"
But that dress sure did the trick for me,
The picture in my mind is never hard to see.

Fire in the sky, fourth of July,
My heart turned cold as I watched her cry.
In her despair I nearly lost my mind,
It's like we started over a hundred thousand times.

But those green eyes, that pass me by.
I could not make her mine however hard I tried.
And I am lonely now, but I've got my memory
Those green eyes and that black hair, they set me free.


-The Avett Brothers

working 19hrs straight, 
on barely 4hrs of sleep for $50,
the "experience," 
and because you genuinely like the cast/crew/project.
MURDER SQUAD is the webseries I've been working on. 
it's going to be HILARIOUS
the whole crew was trying to muffle our laughter during takes
I can't wait to see the finished product.




if I didn't LOVE what I do there is no way I could handle doing it.
12 hours is a standard day, 
and 19 is now officially the most hours I've worked at one time.
getting up for work at 5am, 
getting home from work at 2am.


Unless you're in the "industry," 
whether it be music, fashion or film, 
then you probably couldn't understand what it is like to do what we do, 
and work the amount of hours we do.


I make sure that every thing I do pays off.
every opportunity is a chance to network and meet people, 
you never know who might be able to hook you up with your next job.


I've never met more genuine, 
hard-working people in my life 
than I have in the last year.
people who spend every last dollar they have 
into making a film that they believe in with everything they  are.
I thrive off of the passion and dedication i feel around me.
people in this industry "get" each other
we know what it's like to bust our asses and work for free, 
hoping that it pays off in the long run.
we know late nights,
long hours and that window of time between delusion 
and getting your "second wind."


:-)


anyway-
I need to finish packing and then get on the road.
Davis/Rocklin/Sacramento all week.
Coming home Friday
I have Saturday off
then I'm working the 11th-16th on a film (making $900 in 6 days, holler)
then working the rest of the Halloween Horror Nights event dates.




rocknroll.






-S.

Wow..
I knew I was right, and that I wasn't just crazy.. haha.
it's so fucking weird to see confirmation of things I already thought were true.
It freaks me out how intuitive I am.
it also freaks me out that we really are that connected.
seriously linked together, and no matter what I do I can't break that chain.
even Bri was vicariously feeling him through me..
she can feel my vibes so well that she could literally feel him around me, the same way I could.
shit like that blows my mind.
creeps me out.
and makes my brain hurt from thinking about it.

ugh..
I am ready to close the door again though.
despite how curious I may be,
now is not the time.
too many questions without answers.
and to be honest, there have been too many "second" chances.
it's now limited to one chance per year.
and this year's chance to be apart of my life has already been fucked up and thrown out the window.
be weary of what you hear from others about situations you weren't apart of first-hand.
things aren't always how they seem.

all that's left to say is this:
if someone repeatedly is realizing they've been an asshole, maybe it's time to make a change and finally stop being one..

I hope one day to be as lucky as you, to know what it's like to have someone care so deeply about me...

when you reach step 5 or 9 or whatever one it is that deals with admittance of your sins & making amends with people you've wronged, then maybe i'll be ready to hear you out.
until then, goodluck.

So i look ridiculously washed out and pale.. haha awesome.
and I just realized how huge my eyes are.. ah! haha

There is an unsettling feeling that I've been carrying around with me for the past two weeks or so.
The feeling that i'm waiting for something to happen, but praying that it doesn't at the same time.
There have been a few people in my life that I have had strange, unexplainable connections with.
Brianna, Caitilin, and him.

Caitlin and I say and think the same things at the same times CONSTANTLY
literally almost daily something happens where we feel like we're reading each other's minds.
She is someone I can be around non-stop without problems.


Bri and I are connected through the core of our souls.
We know each other down to the roots.
She's my go-to life advice person.
She knows what to say, what I need to hear and be told (even if it's not what i WANT to hear)
We have the ability to feel vibes off each other and know when something is wrong, or when we need to be there for each other.
We've been talking a lot the past few weeks because she can feel that something is going on with me.
I didn't even have to seek her out, she called me and was like "what's going on, i can sense something is going on lately."
things like that amaze me, and she's always right.
Her intuition is amazing.
I can't even explain how glad I am to have her back in my life.
we "broke up" for a while.. (due to misunderstandings, and me believing lies that were fed to me)
but we realized that we need each other.

and the other one-
since the very beginning there was a freakishly strong connection.
doing/thinking/saying the same things.
I've also noticed i have the ability to "feel" him around me, not in a physical sense.
I feel vibes, usually I don't feel them or notice them.
but whenever I am noticing that I do, it usually leads to some sort of communication.
for the past couple weeks I've been able to feel him, strongly.
whether it's him talking about me, thinking about me, playing out memories, recalling feelings/emotions, etc..
whatever it is, i feel it happening.
and in turn it interferes with my thoughts/feelings etc.
and I've had extreme amounts of anxiety/nervousness.
I feel this looming/lurking feeling, like he's debating whether or not to break the silence.
If i am wrong, then it would be the FIRST time.
Not only are there the vibes, but going off of the never-ending cycle, around aug-sept is when things start picking up between us normally.
I'm asking, please don't, not yet.  i will not reply, i don't have the desire to change things.
I'm not ready, neither of us are.
Please let me out of your head and your heart, or let the pieces you have of me remain buried.
It affects me too much when you're actively thinking about me.
Things are the way they are for a reason..
Maybe it's sad, maybe it's better this way for now or maybe it's the only way.
I'm not ready to make amends, or hear an apology i've heard a million times before.
Maybe next year will be a fresh start, or maybe it won't.
time will tell, as it always does.

I'm sailing away, set an open course for the virgin sea
Ive got to be free, free to face the life thats ahead of me
On board, Im the captain, so climb aboard
Well search for tomorrow on every shore
And Ill try, oh lord, Ill try to carry on

I look to the sea, reflections in the waves spark my memory
Some happy, some sad
I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had
We live happily forever, so the story goes
But somehow we missed out on that pot of gold
But well try best that we can to carry on

A gathering of angels appeared above my head
They sang to me this song of hope, and this is what they said
They said come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me

I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise
They climbed aboard their starship and headed for the skies
Singing come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me

So i haven't posted a legit update in almost 2 and a half months.
coincidentally the busiest couple months of my life.


let's recap:
-July-
(the most ridiculously busy month of my life, i literally didn't have more than maybe 2 days off)
*started working on my first feature film Death and Cremation
we shot 18 days total, 12-16hr days.
I was personal makeup artist for Jeremy Sumpter, as well as Staci Keanan and Daniel Baldwin.
it was one of the most amazing experiences ever.
the cast/crew all got a long so well.
there were so many memories/laughs and good times we all shared, both on set and off..
we all partied and played beer pong at my old house several nights after work, after working together for 12+ hrs a day, we still weren't sick of each other haha
the crew bonded within the first few days of filming, i was so lucky to meet such awesome people.
Justin, the director, remains a close friend of mine, along with a few other crew members and Jeremy.
I go to the office that the film is being edited in about once a week to see how it's coming along.
I've seen a lot of rough cuts and the first 10 minutes of the film, and it all looks so amazing.
i can't even control my excitement about this film.
it was all filmed on the RED camera, which is pretty much the best super HD camera you can film on right now.
cinematography is amazing, the editing is looking great, the acting was great.
i can't wait to see the whole thing.. i have big expectations for it, and i'm pretty sure it'll get picked up and put in theatres.
when i wasn't on set for D&C, i was packing stuff at my old house or working on other projects


* I turned 22, which was weird. I finally feel like my "adult" life is starting.
a new chapter has started and so far, it's wonderful.
it was the most responsible, laid back birthday i've had in a few years.
copious amounts of alcohol weren't consumed, i wasn't puking, and i wasn't sneaking off to be with a boy.. (reference- birthdays 20&21)


*I had my 1 year anniversary with LA on July 26th.
It's been the best year of my life. I have never pushed myself so hard or worked so hard in my life.
I am making great progress in my career for being fairly new at it.
I have been lucky enough to meet some of the most genuine, amazing people ever.
I've grown so much as a person; i'm stronger, smarter, more passionate and more dedicated then i ever have been.
I am truly LIVING my life.
and things have never felt more right.


*I moved to Marina del Rey.
I moved into my friend Caitlin's 2 bdrm, amazingly nice place.
we are about a mile from Venice Beach and our balcony faces the ocean.
we get a long so well and are such good roomates.
we are pretty much wives, she is truly a girl more similar to me than anyone i've met.
we can live together, work together and still hangout/go out places together and not get annoyed or sick of each other.
every night, we sit on the couch on our balcony, smoke a bowl, and count the stars and planes we see and chat.
(we live 15 min from LAX, so there are always at least 4 planes, and usually it's so foggy and overcast from the beach that we can't see stars.. but on a cloudless night, we can see a ton.)
the air is clear here, it smells fresh, like the ocean and I love it.




*trying to think of what else happend, i know there is more.. oh well.. like i said, July was BUSY.


-August-
*I interviewed for my second feature film, Darkening Sky, booked it on the spot.
 I was key makeup for that project and brought Caitlin to help out on the few days I needed her to help me.
we shot 12 days straight for that film..12 hr days.. i was completely worn out by the end of day 12.
we had several over night shoots, which are awful.
we'd get to set at about 6pm and shoot till 5/6am.
so exhausting.
met some really cool people on that set.
the lead actress is one of the sweetest girls i've ever met.
I got to do some cool fx work for the film, so i'm excited about that.
also excited about the fact i made $1200 doing it.. which is not a lot, but it's the most i've made from 1 gig.


*Aug 5th marked the 6 month date from my surgery (i am ridiculous with dates, anniversaries and numbers.)
I have made a long journey in my recovery, both physically and emotionally.
for a while afterwords I was more depressed than I ever have been.
I struggled with identity/self-esteem/self-confidence/ doubt/ regret/ fear/ anxiety and a whole ton of issues.
it took months to where i got to a place where I didn't feel any of that.
i think most of my swelling is gone now, things have settled.
i am more confident and sure of myself than i ever have been.
and i do not regret it one bit.


*I think that's about all for August.. I know I shot a music video or two somewhere in there though.


-September-
*Industry stuff has been relatively slow this month.
*Caitlin bought Beatles Rockband and we completed the story in 2 nights. haha.
her on guitar and me on drums. for my first time ever playing rock band i can play drums on medium better than i can play guitar on medium. haha. we're nerdy. she's got a lot of xbox 360 games, so it happens.


* on the 14th I started a 2 week internship with Boneyard Special FX lab
they are creating all of the creatures for the Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights
so I am helping out in the shop since there is so much to get done.
I love being in the shop, it's amazing to be surrounded by so many talented people.
I really want to try and find another lab to work in, I love fx work and want to practice it and be around it more often.


*the 18th marked 6 months since I've seen or talked to him.
it's a record for us, previously it was 5 months.
the amount of anxiety/nervousness that had been in my system this weak was outrageous.
i NEEDED to make it to the 6 month mark and am so proud and relieved that i did.
we will never be "just friends", so it is not in my best interest to re-connect things.. now is definitely not the right time, and i'm not sure if there ever will be.. i'm not sure what good it would do.
more harm than good has resulted every time.
i am so focused and happy right now, and i know everything would spiral downwards if i changed that.. like it eventually does every time.
2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008 have all been full of a vicious, painful cycle.
my heart cannot handle a fifth year of it, plain and simple.
at the beginning of this year i promised myself that 2009 was going to be my year of change.

Live, live, live because you love, love, love

And love'll make you give, give, give

And give and when you break, break, break

But you just want to fix yourself

Just to break again..

It's been 6 months apart.

The past couple weeks have been pretty crazy.
I finished up another short film, "Brothers in Blood," which I only did some FX work on.. blood, bruising, & tattoos.
It was still pretty cool.
I worked on 3 music videos in one week.
two of them were right in a row. so I was on 40hrs of being awake with only 3 hrs of sleep.
it played out something like this: I went to the International Makeup Artist Trade Show the 21st and 22nd.. which was basically like heaven for makeup artists.
tons of famous pros, tons of product lines, and a bunch of cool classes and such being given by pros.
I went to a panel discussion with the FX team from Star Trek (which was a fantastic film by the way, makeup included).. that was probably the coolest part of the whole weekend.. i am such a nerd.
afterwords they were signing autographs.
of course i stood in line.. and was so nervous and just in awe of them that i could hardly say anything but "hi"
I felt so lame.. there were 5 guys total, and they were split between 2 tables.
I finally decided to be brave when i got to the second table and i gathered the courage to ask a couple of the guys if they ever needed interns..
i told them i would work for free, and they talked to me for a few minutes about what i'm interested in doing and such.
then one of the guys told me to give him my number, so i handed my business cards to both of them.
i walked away shaking, heart still racing, smiling like an idiot..
i was so star-struck by two makeup artists whose work i completely admire..
reaaaally hoping they call me.
haha

after spending all of Sunday 10-5 at the trade show, i drove home and got ready for work.
worked on a video for Dr. Acula from 11pm-730am Monday.. got home, slept for 3 hrs. got up at 10:30am, got ready, and drove to Fresno for my next video.
the crew stayed in a hotel that night and we all drank and hung out till i finally decided that i needed to get sleep around 1am..
woke up at 7am and worked on a music video for Destine outside at the water park all day
left Fresno at 10:30pm.. drove home for 4 hrs.
went to meetings and ran errands for the rest of the week
was up running errands all day on the 27th, and then drove to Temecula at 3am for a 4:30am call time for another music video on the 28th for Broadway out at a winery
another day working on no sleep.
it was 100 degrees and we were outside all day, no shade.
it was ridiculous.
and then proceeded to hardly get any sleep for the rest of the days in between that week..
i think it was like a cumulative 8hrs in 4 days or something ridiculous.

I did makeup for my sister's graduation on Wednesday from Vidal Sassoon.. their final projects were doing one last creative cut which they presented at a hair show at their school, so I did makeup for some of the models.
this weekend I'm in OC staying with my parents to celebrate my mom's bday and 4th of July.
I start the feature film on the 6th and am working on that all week.
I was supposed to have the 11-13th off, but I booked a music video for OTEP on the 11th and 12th..
working on my birthday, kinda lame, but whatever.
also missing out on the Vegas trip I was planning with Lindsay and Bekah, but Vegas will always be there.
so for 7 days in a row i will be working what are most likely 12hr days
I'll have one day off and then be working about 4 days a week for the rest of July, until we finish the feature.
in between all of this i have to manage to pack up all my shit and move out of my house and into Caitlin's apartment..
July is going to be CRAZY.
but I am so so so excited about everything that is going on.

a few nights ago i went to a screening of a film called Paranormal Activity..it was probably the scariest movie I've ever seen.
it's a really well made film
i seriously teared up and cried a little at a few parts because i was so fucking terrified.
kinda regret seeing it because i am the biggest scaredy-cat and am SO afraid of the dark it's ridiculous.
but at the same time, i am so impressed by how well it was done that i can't help but talk about it and want to recommend it.
genius film making, seriously.



i turn 22 next Saturday. it's weirding me out. I'm not sure if I'm ready for it yet. oh well though!

:-D
I've been sporting big smiles and a happy heart for 95% of this year.. i plan on keeping it that way

Me (7:15 pm): We're filming in a mexican catholic elementary school. I'm sitting in a baby school chair reading harry potter, drinking black coffee. Hahaha
Jedd (7:29 pm): Haha that's awesome. Which harry potter book? We are standing in line at best buy waiting to pick up our games...
Me (7:31 pm): #6.. Haven't read it yet, I need to read it before the movie comes out haha..
Jedd (7:32 pm): Yea u do, Harry has sex
Me (7:33 pm): NO WAY
Jedd (7:34 pm): Yea, no way. But you're a freak for wanting it to happen. Sicko
Me (7:34 pm): Bwahaha not gonna lie, I was kinda stoked.
Jedd (7:36 pm): I know you were. I bet u started flipping through the book looking for it.
Me (7:37 pm): Haaha no, but I was racking my brain to figure out what little wizard slut he would bone.. My bets were on the ginger kid's sister.
Jedd (7:39 pm): hahaha hahah I can't stop laughing
Me (7:40 pm): Hahahahaha
Jedd (7:41 pm): You are awesome...

hahahha I thought this convo was too funny to not share.

except now he's 20 haha. So I'm pretty damn stoked.. because this is going to look fantastic on my resume.
The film starts production in July, and will be filming a total of 17 days, not in a row.
It's a rather low-budget production, that's why it's being completed in a month.

I am not getting paid, but all of my meals and materials are going to be covered. Yes, it sucks I won't be making money, but at the same time, I NEED a feature length film on my resume so that people take me more seriously, and stop talking about how I'm so young.. "your work is really good, but we're concered that you're so young and haven't had any experience with a feature film.." that's what I heard from the last interview for a feature I went to. BLAH!

so here's my shot.. and the fact that I will be doing makeup for the lead actor, who has been in several things already is awesome. this will be a huge networking opportunity for me, so either way, I win. almost every film thing I've worked on has led to another one, so I'm hoping to continue that. And people remember when you do them favors in this industry.

Mr Robby Starbuck called me yesterday to talk about upcoming music videos since it's been like 2 months since our last one.. he's been working on a lot of stuff and changing things with the company, booking bigger bands, etc.

June 27 & 28th are my next ones. on the 28th we'll be doing a video for Broadway feat Craig Owens from Chiodos. and then we have some big stuff coming up in August, including a video for He Is Legend...swweeettt.

So I've got a few days off here and there, but before I know it, August will be here. crazy crazy

My lease on my apartment is up at the end of next month, my sister will be moving back to Irvine with my parents and I'm hopefully moving into my friend Caitlin's GORGEOUS apartment in Marina Del Rey.. :-)

I hope things keep going this well.. I love being this happy!

until next time xoxox

-S.

--> "kiss by a rose"- SEAL is playing now.. wtf radio station is this!? haha<--

So I've been really fucking busy lately.
Finished my first short film.. went to the screening for it on Thursday, it looks amazing.
I'm really stoked on it and proud of my work
it was such a fun film to be apart of
our crew and cast were great
i met a lot of awesome people
and it really reassured me that being on set is where I belong, it's where i know i want to be

i got bronchitis randomly, and was sick for 2 weeks.. shittyyyyy.

i did a photoshoot and another film last weekend
the film was about a band, and drugs
so i got to do some cool "meth/junkie" makeup and a bloody nose.

I am currently working on another film about some patients in a mental hospital.
it's a pretty neat film so far
we are shooting in the hosptial that Halloween was filmed in.
I am working with another MUA who normally worked on major feature films, but is doing this project as a favor.
he has worked on spiderman, pirates of the caribbean 3, zoro, a season of dexter, charlie wilson's war, all the Halloween movies, the devil's rejects and a bunch of other stuff.
i am so lucky to be able to work with him
and the best part about it is he chose me to work with him because he thinks my work is good.
such an amazing compliment to recieve.
he is the nicest guy ever and wants to help me with whatever he can
i am learning a lot from being around him.

i start another film as soon as this one ends next week.

and then before I know it, june is here.
time is flying by.. it's outrageous
but i'm loving every minute of it.

I'm too lazy to go into detail about everything, so that's why i've just summed it up.
i need to try and blog more often so there isn't so much to say in one post.

i have this weekend off and then i am on set for 8 days straight..
that should be interesting haha
that's a lot of hours, since a normal work day is 12-15hrs.

yikes.
but i love it.


xoxox
-S.

Apparently if you talk about things you're proud of/things you've accomplished/goals you're achieving etc. then you are bragging.

riiigghtt.
sorry if my success and happiness makes you bitter and/or jealous

drama drama drama.


makes me wonder if the 400+ views on my blog are from people who actually were interested, or people who were just lurrkiinngggg haha

whatever.

I have an overwhelming amount of things to do tonight
we're doing camera tests tomorrow for the makeup for the short film i'm working on.
we're filming Saturday-Tuesday.
Four 12 hr days in a row.. starting at 6:30/7am each day. yiikkeess.

I am so excited though.


lots of prep work and planning to do!

:-)

Today I was referred to do makeup/hair/styling for a photo shoot for the band Sparks The Rescue
much appreciation to Phill M www.Phillm.com for that.
I did kind of an over the phone interview with the woman from Fearless Records who is setting up the photo shoot.
Apparently they think this band is gonna be big, so that's exciting.
This will be their first real photo shoot
there will be behind the scenes video and photos taken.
great exposure for me.
I'm bringing my sister to help with hair,
she graduates from Vidal Sassoon in July, so I'm helping build her resume.

this is a gateway job,
as is every opportunity to work with new photographers/bands/record labels.
I've already done a music video for A Static Lullaby, who is also on Fearless Records
and Sparks the Rescue is on tour with The Dangerous Summer, a band whose video I am doing next week.
If the shoot on Sunday goes well, they said they'd use me for other upcoming stuff they have.
I'm getting a decent amount of money for this and they said I would possibly have the chance to work on bigger budget stuff in the future.

besides having this shoot on Sunday,
I have 4 music videos to do in the next two weeks.
2 videos for And Then There Were None, shooting Monday and Tuesday
Impending Doom shooting on April 5th
and The Dangerous Summer on April 6th.

I'm getting paid for all of it.
so fucking stoked!
I can't wait to go shopping haha.

Courtney turns 19 tomorrow
my sisters are so grown up now, it's crazy.