Adfhdfhj..
Ughhh..
I just don't fucking know anymore..
I don't know what you're expecting from me and I don't know what is even going on..
blah
So I feel like I have anger management issues..
or at least like less than full control of my moods and emotions.
the thing is, i know this about myself and it's something i really dislike,
and yet i can't seem to break the habit.
I'll feel myself flip into this pissed off mood and hate the feeling of it
and yet i feel like i can't flip the switch to turn it around or turn it off.
It's almost suffocating.
I don't know how to fix it, but I have to.
I guess I really need to start focusing on it and really trying to not let it get the best of me.
I hate being moody, I hate taking it out on everyone around me and I hate feeling like I can't control it.
Last night,
I found myself frantically searching my car during my drive downtown to find a lighter.
I had this complete urge to smoke a cigarette and just calm myself down.
I would have packed a bowl and smoked that instead, but alas, I didn't have my pipe with me haha.
I don't know what is worse.
It was just the strangest feeling because it's so rare that I WANT a cigarette when I'm sober.
I got in a stupid little argument with my mom yesterday
and that's what set me off.
it put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day
She tried to pull fucking rules on me
and shit about things that have been going on.
At first she said it was because she was worried that I was going to get myself into the same situation that always comes around.
What she doesn't understand is that it's different this time around.
It was my decision.
maybe i didn't physically initiate the situation,
but my mind had been made up about it all for a couple weeks.
Later on she changed her mind about the decision she made earlier and told me she it wasn't about that and tried to clear things up.
But even after all of that I couldn't get myself out of the shitty mood I was in until I got to nate and ericka's and was there for a bit.
I'm an adult
i can make decisions for myself and I don't need to constantly have people worrying about hurting me or me getting hurt.
we all know the risks involved.
but like i said, this isn't like before.
what i wanted before is NOT what I'm wanting now
and therefore, I am safe from being hurt.
Am I making things harder for myself? yes
Am i complicating things? maybe, but I'm not trying to.
Am I making things harder for someone else? maybe, but it's not my job to worry about that.
The thing is I was living in the past for just a week
nothing i feel is new, nothing i feel is an advancement.
it's simply remembering how it feels to just enjoy every thing as i have been.
and as far as i can tell right now, I'm more focused on the feelings
and not the origin of where those feelings come from.
the truth is i could drop this situation right now, move tomorrow, not say goodbye, and it wouldn't really matter.
ouch
do i mean that? i don't know. but right now i do.
I WANT to say goodbye, but do i feel like i HAVE to? no.
sorry.
the truth is, it's not going to hurt like before.
will i be sad? yes.
will it hurt? no.
the truth is leaving sets me free even more than I've already been feeling like i am.
The other day I said I wasn't ready to leave.
but today, the day I was originally supposed to leave, I feel like I wish I had already left.
what am i waiting around for really?
everyone is either working or too busy.
I've been sitting at home and watch TV or movies all day hoping that someone in my handful of friends makes time to see me.
and even though it's not even really all their fault, it still feels ridiculous.
I never thought I'd miss working, but seriously,
I'd rather be pissed off at work all day than bored at home.
I can't wait to get out and start over because i really wouldn't be able to handle this for any longer.
I don't know if writing this helped or if it put me in a worse mood.
haha
either way, it feels good to get it out and it gave me some mild entertainment.
i better just stop before i sound ridiculously pathetic ;-)
Yesterday's post was written in a moment of absolute weakness and vulnerability.
which makes me wonder if the things we say in times like that are the truth,
or if are they really just actually moments of weakness?
maybe temporarily seeking things we know we can find and have found comfort in.
I don't know,
and honestly, I don't need or want to know.
All I do know is last night helped.
It's amazing the effect human touch can have on a person.
a simple run of fingertips down an arm,
an open palm on the side of a sleeping face
and intense calmness all around.
I officially have Strep Throat.
I'm shocked I even caught it
I can't remember the last time I was sick.
It's got to be over 3 years ago.
I don't even feel all that bad today,
not compared to yesterday.
although it does feel like I've got shards of glass in my throat every time I swallow. :-x
Worst timing ever to get sick,
seriously.
I move to LA ten days from today.
I'm so glad the date got pushed back, as we were supposed to be moving originally in TWO days.
I haven't done enough here to feel like I'm ready to leave.
I'm not ready yet.
I NEED these next 10 days, and I need to savor them.
I'm still ready to move, don't get me wrong
I'm still ready to move, don't get me wrong
I just need a little more time here.
I finally watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind today
and I absolutely know the feeling of wishing you could erase someone from your memory.
I'm almost sure I would have done it at least once over the past 3 years if given the chance, and that terrifies me.
Our memories make us who we are and mine have absolutely changed my life
whether for the better or the worse,
i don't know.
but I don't know who I'd be today without everything I've been through.
and I know the feeling of knowing things didn't work out with someone and that you've gone through hell and back with them,
yet it's still something you can't help but fight for.
can I say been there and done that? more than several times.
but that's life man.
without sadness we wouldn't know happiness and that's exactly what makes it all worth it.
Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.
until next time,
make yourself <3
I am fully miserable and feel like death right now.
I wish I could have you here to comfort me.
But i'll do my best to be fine on my own..
The flame is gone, the fire remains
I am finally 21.
it feels so weird to say that, it'll definitely take some getting used to.
It's awesome but at the same time, now what do I have to look forward to? haha
I finally feel like a legitimate adult
and I'm sure I'll feel even more grown up after we move into our new place.
It's going to be so strange to have half of my family in a different state.
This weekend has been awesome.
definitely not disappointing.
Nathaniel made sure to get me good and wasted and took me out at midnight on Thursday.
Thursday-today have been great.
nothing too out of hand, but I made sure to have a good time no matter what.
on another note:
that saying that history repeats itself is definitely true.
I knew it would happen, I just wasn't sure when
talk about predictability. god damn.
how many times has this situation occured under suuuccch similar circumstances.
old habits die hard..or in this case, not at all?
it is what it is.
I'm not looking for anything more
for the first time I actually mean that and am not saying that and secretly hoping differently.
for the first time in the past few years I am not being held back,
and it's absolutely liberating.
I am not hoping, wishing, or holding my breath about things.
For once I'm looking at it as anything but a promising situation.
because right now, I don't want that even if I could have it.
and even though it always sounds like a good idea, the saaammee thing happens in the end.
so this is just it for now,
no strings attatched, no rules, no expectations, no trying,
just letting life unfold as it does
holy shit, it was worth the wait. haha
and it's fucking fun
don't think
just do.
I leave in 2 weeks.
I am making the most out of my time here.
21 feels like a good year for me..
or at least it's off to a fantastic start.
the spark and passion in my life I had felt slipping away is coming back slowly.
by doing nothing at all
you help bring out the best in me.
plain and simple.
until next time,
make yourself <3
"I'm like a paper cup with a pin prick..
You can fill me up but I'll only stay full for a while
And wisdom's only shown me that my loneliness is all my fault
And it's all my fault
And I don't know
What I have done wrong
You say you understand me
well I don't get you at all
It seems everyone around me is so good at faking it that
I don't know
Just how to act
Around you
And how to act
About you
I've got a memory but I can't hear what you're saying
You're looking straight at me but I'm looking the other way"
-Dear and the Headlights- "paper bag"
After nothing more than a slight ego boost,
I am finally free.
Free from a battle that I was losing for years.
I think I was in denial,
but not the way most people assumed.
I think I've realized that I was in denial about thinking that i cared, not about not caring.
It definitely used to be the other way around
but now, it's finally not.
I glanced, but didn't break my neck to watch.
I took in what I saw
and then it hit me,
it didn't matter,
and then I felt it
nothing.
and I almost began digging deeper to make myself care and react
and I realized that I was almost trying to talk myself into feeling a certain way
just because it was what I was used to,
because it was something that I never thought would let me go.
but it did.
The scab I had been picking and letting re-scab only to be picked off again has finally healed up.
and it's about damn time.
Instead of feeling like the only way to escape was running away
I was abe to just let it go without even realizing I had.
Just as the body has an incredible ability to heal itself,
so does the mind.
It will still always matter, always mean something, and I will always care..
Just not like before.
On another note
Life is still moving forward.
we bought a few things for the new house last night and it's becoming more and more real that I'm actually leaving.
I've been here before,
three years ago
but not as who I am today.
That fresh 18 year old girl has been swallowed up in a fast life and is now 10 days from being 21.
yikes.
July 1st huh?
where the fuck has this year gone?
I sound like a broken record as I say this with every new month,
but honestly.
To think of where I was with my life/thoguhts/emotions just 6+ months ago is insane.
until next time,
make yourself <3
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