You can fill me up but I'll only stay full for a while
And wisdom's only shown me that my loneliness is all my fault
And it's all my fault
And I don't know
What I have done wrong
You say you understand me
well I don't get you at all
It seems everyone around me is so good at faking it that
I don't know
Just how to act
Around you
And how to act
About you
I've got a memory but I can't hear what you're saying
You're looking straight at me but I'm looking the other way"
-Dear and the Headlights- "paper bag"
After nothing more than a slight ego boost,
I am finally free.
Free from a battle that I was losing for years.
I think I was in denial,
but not the way most people assumed.
I think I've realized that I was in denial about thinking that i cared, not about not caring.
It definitely used to be the other way around
but now, it's finally not.
I glanced, but didn't break my neck to watch.
I took in what I saw
and then it hit me,
it didn't matter,
and then I felt it
nothing.
and I almost began digging deeper to make myself care and react
and I realized that I was almost trying to talk myself into feeling a certain way
just because it was what I was used to,
because it was something that I never thought would let me go.
but it did.
The scab I had been picking and letting re-scab only to be picked off again has finally healed up.
and it's about damn time.
Instead of feeling like the only way to escape was running away
I was abe to just let it go without even realizing I had.
Just as the body has an incredible ability to heal itself,
so does the mind.
It will still always matter, always mean something, and I will always care..
Just not like before.
On another note
Life is still moving forward.
we bought a few things for the new house last night and it's becoming more and more real that I'm actually leaving.
I've been here before,
three years ago
but not as who I am today.
That fresh 18 year old girl has been swallowed up in a fast life and is now 10 days from being 21.
yikes.
July 1st huh?
where the fuck has this year gone?
I sound like a broken record as I say this with every new month,
but honestly.
To think of where I was with my life/thoguhts/emotions just 6+ months ago is insane.
until next time,
make yourself <3
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