Make Yourself

Wow..
I knew I was right, and that I wasn't just crazy.. haha.
it's so fucking weird to see confirmation of things I already thought were true.
It freaks me out how intuitive I am.
it also freaks me out that we really are that connected.
seriously linked together, and no matter what I do I can't break that chain.
even Bri was vicariously feeling him through me..
she can feel my vibes so well that she could literally feel him around me, the same way I could.
shit like that blows my mind.
creeps me out.
and makes my brain hurt from thinking about it.

ugh..
I am ready to close the door again though.
despite how curious I may be,
now is not the time.
too many questions without answers.
and to be honest, there have been too many "second" chances.
it's now limited to one chance per year.
and this year's chance to be apart of my life has already been fucked up and thrown out the window.
be weary of what you hear from others about situations you weren't apart of first-hand.
things aren't always how they seem.

all that's left to say is this:
if someone repeatedly is realizing they've been an asshole, maybe it's time to make a change and finally stop being one..

I hope one day to be as lucky as you, to know what it's like to have someone care so deeply about me...

when you reach step 5 or 9 or whatever one it is that deals with admittance of your sins & making amends with people you've wronged, then maybe i'll be ready to hear you out.
until then, goodluck.

So i look ridiculously washed out and pale.. haha awesome.
and I just realized how huge my eyes are.. ah! haha

There is an unsettling feeling that I've been carrying around with me for the past two weeks or so.
The feeling that i'm waiting for something to happen, but praying that it doesn't at the same time.
There have been a few people in my life that I have had strange, unexplainable connections with.
Brianna, Caitilin, and him.

Caitlin and I say and think the same things at the same times CONSTANTLY
literally almost daily something happens where we feel like we're reading each other's minds.
She is someone I can be around non-stop without problems.


Bri and I are connected through the core of our souls.
We know each other down to the roots.
She's my go-to life advice person.
She knows what to say, what I need to hear and be told (even if it's not what i WANT to hear)
We have the ability to feel vibes off each other and know when something is wrong, or when we need to be there for each other.
We've been talking a lot the past few weeks because she can feel that something is going on with me.
I didn't even have to seek her out, she called me and was like "what's going on, i can sense something is going on lately."
things like that amaze me, and she's always right.
Her intuition is amazing.
I can't even explain how glad I am to have her back in my life.
we "broke up" for a while.. (due to misunderstandings, and me believing lies that were fed to me)
but we realized that we need each other.

and the other one-
since the very beginning there was a freakishly strong connection.
doing/thinking/saying the same things.
I've also noticed i have the ability to "feel" him around me, not in a physical sense.
I feel vibes, usually I don't feel them or notice them.
but whenever I am noticing that I do, it usually leads to some sort of communication.
for the past couple weeks I've been able to feel him, strongly.
whether it's him talking about me, thinking about me, playing out memories, recalling feelings/emotions, etc..
whatever it is, i feel it happening.
and in turn it interferes with my thoughts/feelings etc.
and I've had extreme amounts of anxiety/nervousness.
I feel this looming/lurking feeling, like he's debating whether or not to break the silence.
If i am wrong, then it would be the FIRST time.
Not only are there the vibes, but going off of the never-ending cycle, around aug-sept is when things start picking up between us normally.
I'm asking, please don't, not yet.  i will not reply, i don't have the desire to change things.
I'm not ready, neither of us are.
Please let me out of your head and your heart, or let the pieces you have of me remain buried.
It affects me too much when you're actively thinking about me.
Things are the way they are for a reason..
Maybe it's sad, maybe it's better this way for now or maybe it's the only way.
I'm not ready to make amends, or hear an apology i've heard a million times before.
Maybe next year will be a fresh start, or maybe it won't.
time will tell, as it always does.

I'm sailing away, set an open course for the virgin sea
Ive got to be free, free to face the life thats ahead of me
On board, Im the captain, so climb aboard
Well search for tomorrow on every shore
And Ill try, oh lord, Ill try to carry on

I look to the sea, reflections in the waves spark my memory
Some happy, some sad
I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had
We live happily forever, so the story goes
But somehow we missed out on that pot of gold
But well try best that we can to carry on

A gathering of angels appeared above my head
They sang to me this song of hope, and this is what they said
They said come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me

I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise
They climbed aboard their starship and headed for the skies
Singing come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me

So i haven't posted a legit update in almost 2 and a half months.
coincidentally the busiest couple months of my life.


let's recap:
-July-
(the most ridiculously busy month of my life, i literally didn't have more than maybe 2 days off)
*started working on my first feature film Death and Cremation
we shot 18 days total, 12-16hr days.
I was personal makeup artist for Jeremy Sumpter, as well as Staci Keanan and Daniel Baldwin.
it was one of the most amazing experiences ever.
the cast/crew all got a long so well.
there were so many memories/laughs and good times we all shared, both on set and off..
we all partied and played beer pong at my old house several nights after work, after working together for 12+ hrs a day, we still weren't sick of each other haha
the crew bonded within the first few days of filming, i was so lucky to meet such awesome people.
Justin, the director, remains a close friend of mine, along with a few other crew members and Jeremy.
I go to the office that the film is being edited in about once a week to see how it's coming along.
I've seen a lot of rough cuts and the first 10 minutes of the film, and it all looks so amazing.
i can't even control my excitement about this film.
it was all filmed on the RED camera, which is pretty much the best super HD camera you can film on right now.
cinematography is amazing, the editing is looking great, the acting was great.
i can't wait to see the whole thing.. i have big expectations for it, and i'm pretty sure it'll get picked up and put in theatres.
when i wasn't on set for D&C, i was packing stuff at my old house or working on other projects


* I turned 22, which was weird. I finally feel like my "adult" life is starting.
a new chapter has started and so far, it's wonderful.
it was the most responsible, laid back birthday i've had in a few years.
copious amounts of alcohol weren't consumed, i wasn't puking, and i wasn't sneaking off to be with a boy.. (reference- birthdays 20&21)


*I had my 1 year anniversary with LA on July 26th.
It's been the best year of my life. I have never pushed myself so hard or worked so hard in my life.
I am making great progress in my career for being fairly new at it.
I have been lucky enough to meet some of the most genuine, amazing people ever.
I've grown so much as a person; i'm stronger, smarter, more passionate and more dedicated then i ever have been.
I am truly LIVING my life.
and things have never felt more right.


*I moved to Marina del Rey.
I moved into my friend Caitlin's 2 bdrm, amazingly nice place.
we are about a mile from Venice Beach and our balcony faces the ocean.
we get a long so well and are such good roomates.
we are pretty much wives, she is truly a girl more similar to me than anyone i've met.
we can live together, work together and still hangout/go out places together and not get annoyed or sick of each other.
every night, we sit on the couch on our balcony, smoke a bowl, and count the stars and planes we see and chat.
(we live 15 min from LAX, so there are always at least 4 planes, and usually it's so foggy and overcast from the beach that we can't see stars.. but on a cloudless night, we can see a ton.)
the air is clear here, it smells fresh, like the ocean and I love it.




*trying to think of what else happend, i know there is more.. oh well.. like i said, July was BUSY.


-August-
*I interviewed for my second feature film, Darkening Sky, booked it on the spot.
 I was key makeup for that project and brought Caitlin to help out on the few days I needed her to help me.
we shot 12 days straight for that film..12 hr days.. i was completely worn out by the end of day 12.
we had several over night shoots, which are awful.
we'd get to set at about 6pm and shoot till 5/6am.
so exhausting.
met some really cool people on that set.
the lead actress is one of the sweetest girls i've ever met.
I got to do some cool fx work for the film, so i'm excited about that.
also excited about the fact i made $1200 doing it.. which is not a lot, but it's the most i've made from 1 gig.


*Aug 5th marked the 6 month date from my surgery (i am ridiculous with dates, anniversaries and numbers.)
I have made a long journey in my recovery, both physically and emotionally.
for a while afterwords I was more depressed than I ever have been.
I struggled with identity/self-esteem/self-confidence/ doubt/ regret/ fear/ anxiety and a whole ton of issues.
it took months to where i got to a place where I didn't feel any of that.
i think most of my swelling is gone now, things have settled.
i am more confident and sure of myself than i ever have been.
and i do not regret it one bit.


*I think that's about all for August.. I know I shot a music video or two somewhere in there though.


-September-
*Industry stuff has been relatively slow this month.
*Caitlin bought Beatles Rockband and we completed the story in 2 nights. haha.
her on guitar and me on drums. for my first time ever playing rock band i can play drums on medium better than i can play guitar on medium. haha. we're nerdy. she's got a lot of xbox 360 games, so it happens.


* on the 14th I started a 2 week internship with Boneyard Special FX lab
they are creating all of the creatures for the Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights
so I am helping out in the shop since there is so much to get done.
I love being in the shop, it's amazing to be surrounded by so many talented people.
I really want to try and find another lab to work in, I love fx work and want to practice it and be around it more often.


*the 18th marked 6 months since I've seen or talked to him.
it's a record for us, previously it was 5 months.
the amount of anxiety/nervousness that had been in my system this weak was outrageous.
i NEEDED to make it to the 6 month mark and am so proud and relieved that i did.
we will never be "just friends", so it is not in my best interest to re-connect things.. now is definitely not the right time, and i'm not sure if there ever will be.. i'm not sure what good it would do.
more harm than good has resulted every time.
i am so focused and happy right now, and i know everything would spiral downwards if i changed that.. like it eventually does every time.
2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008 have all been full of a vicious, painful cycle.
my heart cannot handle a fifth year of it, plain and simple.
at the beginning of this year i promised myself that 2009 was going to be my year of change.

Live, live, live because you love, love, love

And love'll make you give, give, give

And give and when you break, break, break

But you just want to fix yourself

Just to break again..

It's been 6 months apart.