Make Yourself: August 2008

Everything

- Sunday, August 31, 2008

happens for a reason..

some things are undeniable.

I just need to figure out what it all really means to me and what I want..

but then again, I'm not in a hurry

I'm just letting things play out as they will.

I do know this:

it's comforting, reassuring, and makes me smiley.

that's a good start.

- Saturday, August 30, 2008

hmmm
i like this.

risk
chance
passion
discovery
mistakes
joy
fear
love
adventure

i'm all about living on the edges.
bring em on.

walking to the bus stop in the morning reminds me of the month i spent in athens, greece.
the brisk air, the early morning traffic, the unfamiliar buildings.
a little smile creeps across my face every time i'm out.

actually, most of LA reminds me of Athens.
except there are more people that speak english, although not by much haha
and the majority of the building signs are in english.. with the exception of Koreatown and the significantly Jewish area up the street from me.
If there's a culture I love more than the Greeks, it's the Jews (my people) so I'm pretty stoked it's all around me.

I love LA more and more, and I'm afraid that one day that's going to stop.
and then what am i supposed to do? move back to sacramento?
I can't and I won't.
I'm just hoping I continue to love it here,
optimism!
plus, there is so much I still have to discover here,
I think it'll keep me interested for quite some time

i love all of the culture
the constant honking
the realness
the rudeness
the big dirty city
living near the beach
santa monica
places within walking distance
finding new places i want to go everyday
i don't even care about the traffic anymore.
I just know to plan ahead and leave ridiculously early if I need to be somewhere.

for the first time in my life i really feel like i know what i'm doing
and i feel like i'm where i need to be.
everything is falling into place.
the rest of my family is moving down to my side of the state
i got approved for the loan for my school
my grandpa generously decided to pay 6 months of our rent, (that's $12,000 less i don't have to worry about)
my sister and i have managed to live together for a month and have gotten along more than not.
all that's left is:
school starting in a few weeks
finding a bartending job (hopefully I get hired at the place i turned an application into today)
expanding my social network
and maybe finding a down ass guy to spend my limited free time with
although, that last one i'm not anxious for.
I'm absolutely enjoying being independent and living for myself
i couldn't handle someone thinking i want to spend all my time with them right now.
maybe that sounds selfish
but too bad.
this is the ONE time in my life where i am allowed to be selfish.
i am young, ambitious and talented; there's no reason why i shouldn't be living my life exactly how i want to.
which just happens to mean i'm not wasting my time on just any guy that wants my attention.
i have more important things to focus on, like my career and my self-sufficient future.

Time for reading and bed
-S.

- Thursday, August 28, 2008

It's been cold all day, I'm so glad to be back in LA! I've got a job interview at a pretty classy restaraunt tomorrow. I am so NERVOUS! Ahhh!

Blue driver/Blue screw

- Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Either of those could be a good name for what I am drinking.

Blue Moon beer with orange juice.

I am trying to force myself to drink beer hahah.

It's actually pretty tasty this way.

It's like a ghetto Mimosa.

The sad part is, I'm halfway through drinking it, and already buzzed.

hahahahah

I'm such a cheap drunk.

Today was an interesting day.

My family is home from Washington after being gone all week.

My dad quit his job and moved back to California.

thank fucking god.

I'm glad my family is whole again, well minus Court and I living on our own.

Instead of moving to Washington, my parents and youngest sister will be moving somewhere in SoCal.

I can't wait for my family to all be in one general location again.

My baby sister,

who's almost 12, wears a size 10 shoe, and is taller than my 18yr old sister,

started middle school today.

7th grade.

So fucking weird.

I still treat her like she's the baby sister, it's so weird that she's like her own little person now.

She has so much personality and she's so unique, I can't wait to see how she turns out.

I discovered that I love Bed Bath & Beyond today,

they seriously have EVERYTHING!

I just wandered around the store looking at things I wanted.

Mostly silly things for my kitchen or cool art work.

Spent my $100 gift card- toaster, blender and a Brita water filter because the water in LA tastes like ass. ugh.

Then I took a $75 Wal-Mart gift card and wandered all around wondering what the eff I was going to use it on.

dvds: grandma's boy, blow, anchorman

alcohol: hypnotiq, jager,bacardi, 12pk blue moon.

sweet&sour mix, club soda.

Stocking my personal bar sounded like a good investment

TIME FOR A PARTY AT MY PLACE! HAHAHA

I'm going back to LA tomorrow

and I am so ready to be home.

I miss it a lot and it's a good time for me to go back.

The past 10 days in Sac were totally awesome.

Adventures, MIDTOWN! bars, clubs, parties, sushi for breakfast, drinks, raging, dancing, friends, smoking, catching up with people I hadn't seen in ages, meeting new people,

spending the better part of the week getting to know someone new, getting tattooed, getting pierced...it was just a lot of fun.

I'm happy to have gotten to spend quality time with friends.

And to no one's surprise I also reconciled a friendship I was worried I had lost.

predictable.

Maybe it's for the best, maybe it's not.

No one's opinion or advice matters, or ever really has in this case.

It is what it is, and it all works when it wants to.

I'm done thinking into it,

things happen for a reason.

life is to short to let dumb shit get in the way of the things that really matter.

Time for bed.

I've got a long day tomorrow.

Thanks for a good time Sacramento.

See ya in 6 weeks.

LA here I come!

<3>

- Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Weed and ibuprofen make one hell of a pain killer when combined.

Reason=finished my tattoo, got a new piercing and went to the orthodontist :-D

Irony- the most pain is originating from my mouth.

hahaha

Spacers are the most annoyingly painful thing ever, they don't just hurt, they make all your teeth too sore to eat.

asdfghjkl;

Tattoo me for an hour or pierce me and I'm finneeee.

Throw eight little pieces of elastic in between my teeth and I want scream!

I am so ridiculous.

- Friday, August 15, 2008

I fucking did it!
I'm officially a bartender!!!!! :-D
of course I passed, I worked my ass off for this!

See ya in a few hours 916.

I can't let my nerves get the best of me

One hundred-forty god damn flash cards.

Each with multiple ingredients.

Not to mention I have to know the different flavors and brands of liquors and liqueurs.

Bartending is some hard shit.

My test is at 11am today.

I'm completely nervous and get all shaky every time I think about it.

and I don't know why.

It's really not that big of a deal, if I don't pass, I can re-take it next week.

But the thought of failing after I've put so much effort in is what bothers me.

I don't take failure very well.

I am used to succeeding.

I've spent more time practicing and studying for this than I have for anything, ever.

Yesterday I studied my flashcards from the time I got home from school, 5pm ish, till about 2am with a few breaks here and there.

That's unheard of for me.

I don't study.

but this isn't like a dumb college exam where you can bullshit your way through it or guess through multiple choice.

You either know this or you don't. plain and simple.

As of right now, I know ALL OF THEM.

From the glass it goes in, the order the liquids are poured to what garnishes the glass.

And I'm not worried about making them fast enough.

12 drinks in 7 minutes is easy for me.

All week I have been the fastest or second fastest during our practice drills.

I've been pushing myself.

Right now all that is going to hold me back are my nerves.

If I stay calm, and keep my head clear, there should be no problem.

I need to be precise with my pouring, and make sure I don't under-pour my drinks because I am rushing.

I need to stay focused and pay attention.

If I only worry about making the drinks correctly, I should do just fine.

Like I said, I've got the speed down naturally.

It probably sounds like I'm taking this way too seriously

but think about it,

if I get hired as a bartender there is literally NO LIMIT in the amount of money I can bring home every night.

we're talking easily $100 in cash

for having fun and having a good memory

I am so fucking excited about this.

I love it.

Time to get some food, go over my cards again and get ready.

Either way, I'll be in Sacramento tonight with things to look forward to:

seeing the few people I still call friends up there,

getting my tattoo finished,

hopefully seeing Anthony Green and one of my absolute favorite bands live, Portugal the Man.

It's gonna be a good week.

eek here I go!

- Wednesday, August 13, 2008

"You must do everything that frightens you.

Everything.

I'm not talking about risking your life, but everything else.

Think about fear,

decide right now how you're doing to deal with fear,

because fear is going to be the great issue of your life;

I promise you.

Fear will be the fuel for all your success,

and the root cause of all your failures,

and the underlying dilemma in every story you tell yourself about yourself.

And the only chance you'll have against fear?

Follow it. Steer by it.

Don't think of fear as the villain.

Think of fear as your guide, your pathfinder"

I found this quote in a bulletin someone posted.

It's amazing and completely true and inspiring.

Saturday will mark three weeks since I moved to Los Angeles.

The time has flown by, as I have been incredibly busy.

So far, I absolutely LOVE living here,

moving was the best choice I could have made at this time in my life.

I finally feel like I am where I belong

and no longer have that feeling of being stuck like I did in Rocklin.

We finally got everything unpacked and settled in.

The house is all decorated and so fucking adorable.

I love it.

I don't even mind hand washing all of the dishes :-)

Last week I went to Las Vegas with my family and my Grandpa

the trip I had been promised since the last time we were in Vegas,

when I was 16 and I was there for a dance competition.

Even though I wasn't there with a big group of friends, I still had a good time.

My parents are FAR from squares and we're part Irish,

so obviously the drinking comes naturally.

At least it didn't cost me anything

I got all the alcohol I could drink for free and got to gamble with money I was given.

It ruled.

I could have done with out the blazing heat and the insane amounts of cigarette smoke, but that's Vegas for ya.

It would have been nice to have been able to go to the clubs with my sister, but that'll have to wait another two and a half years.

Luckily Christina and Mike were there and we got to have one night of hanging out and getting hammered. :-)

No celeb sightings yet, haha

but really, I'm not even looking.

at least once a day I see a Bentley or some other ridiculously fucking nice car.

not to mention I live about 2 blocks from a few exotic car dealerships.

I love my house.. did I say that already?

get this,

My landlord is a professional hairstylist.

she worked on the set of some soap opera ( i forgot which one) for like 10 years or something

and now she just does freelance work

she's always on some movie set

it's so rad

and she already told me she'd hook me up when I finish makeup school

Perfect, right?

just about everyone down here is in the industry or trying to be apart of it.

Bar tending school fucking rocks and I KICK ASS at it.

we do daily drills to practice our speed because the final test is making 12 drinks in 7 min or less.

and everyday I'm either the fastest or second fastest in the class.

today, I finished first in 6:30, and then 6:15 the next round.

and that was with me STILL having to look up drinks that I didn't have all the way memorized.

I just need to work more with my flashcards and get the memorization down and then I'll be golden.

For me the speed part is easy

I'm used to moving quickly and working with both hands from dental assisting,

so maybe that helps a little

but it still is awesome to know that I'm going to make an awesome bartender.

it's so much fun and i just feel totally natural behind the bar.

My test is Friday and I'm pretty stressed

but if I don't pass I just have to wait till the week after and take it again.

one of our instructors warned us today that we don't want to get her as our tester because she notices every little detail and she's the hardest grader.

but she said if you pass with her then you know you're the shit.

so what did I do? specifically requested that I test with her.

I don't want to just be good enough.

I want to be fucking great.

My competitive side is getting the best of me and pushing me to work harder.

I want to be great at what I do, whatever it may be.

There's a lot more drive in passion in my life right now

and I couldn't be happier about it.

I've missed feeling that way.

I'm so anxious to start makeup school

I'm terrified but I know I can do it.

When I set my mind to doing something, or wanting something,

I get it.

I almost always have had the ability to get what I want in various categories of things in my life and I don't see that as a bad thing.

It means I know how to work towards getting things and that I have the determination to be able to get what I want as well.

I want this, to be successful, to wake up and know that I'm great at what I do and that I love my job.

I want this more than ANYTHING.

My own happiness and success is all I care about right now.

And I feel perfectly fine with admitting and accepting that.

I'm at a wonderful place in my life

I'm happier than I've been in months.

I finally feel like there is NOTHING holding me back.

I've let go of all the people that were interfering, physically and emotionally.

and that's ok with me.

Over the years I've realized that people get MUCH more attached to me than I do to them.

I don't think it's because I'm holding anything back,

I just have this need for independence rooted at the core of my being

I don't rely on people for anything and enjoy being self sufficient.

Some people are the opposite and if that works for them then more power to them.

I'm not looking for anyone who needs me to complete them or thinks that they're going to complete me.

I'm looking for simply complimentary personalities to mine.

People that help bring out the best in me and vice versa.

I feel like this entry is freakishly long and completely eclectic,

but I haven't had the time to sit and write for a while

so that's how it goes.

Time to study my drinks and read the fantastic book that I can't put down

maybe I'll even finish it tonight so I can begin the sequel tomorrow

haha

I'll be up in Sacramento Friday for a few days to get the rest of my things and see the few people I actually still care about and who still care about me.

It'll be nice to see them and hangout,

but at the same time I haven't missed home at all since I've left.

This is definitely where I belong for now.

until next time-

Make yourself <3

Dear "Anonymous" commenter:

- Monday, August 11, 2008

FYI-*animosity free post, not written with any attitude*

I didn't get "caught" doing anything,

I know damn well that anything said to this "best friend" gets relayed.

I wasn't talking shit,

I was asking if there were more people than just the ones that
I had talked to, that agreed with what we had noticed.

I would have said everything to his face

and still would except apparently calling someone out on acting like an asshole is worth never speaking to someone again over.

Disguise your trademark sentance tabbing better next time you want to be "anonymous."

or maybe even try to contact me/reply to texts i sent a week ago

so we can please handle this and stop with the bullshit.

Do what you gotta do though.

Aside from the drama I'm glad to have moved away from:

I am IN LOVE with Los Angeles and have been so busy these past two weeks,

I'll write a real entry when I get a chance.

and maybe even post pictures of my fantastic place. :-)

nice to know you, good-bye.

- Monday, August 4, 2008

ONE WEEK

is enough time for lives to completely change.

it's enough time for hate to accumulate and hearts to be broken.

a week ago it was happiness, "i love you," "thanks for everything you've done for me,"

"see you in a few weeks," "I am so happy for you,"

and now it's silence.

it's enough time for someone to go from fighting for you, to fighting with you.

it's enough time for a situation that was not meant to end in hurt to end worse than imagined.

it's enough time for one of the most meaningful friendships of our lives to break.

it's enough time to turn your back on three and a half years.

it's enough time to give up on something because that's the easiest way out.

the loss of a friend has never hurt this much, and it's never mattered this much

I'm not sorry that I care.

I'm not sorry that it matters.

I'm not sorry that I am a more decent friend than others, and know when things said are meant to be shared or not.

at least i have the decency keep your secrets, and not try and break your friendships.

but I am sorry that misunderstandings get the best of people.

This might actually be the end.

The end of three and a half years of the absolute best and worst times of my life.

I'm letting go of the one person who has continually hurt me more than ANYONE ever has,

or EVER will again.

I will NEVER put myself through what I have been through with this again.

I will not continue to be hurt.

You couldn't even have the decency to tell me goodbye to my face

or bring closure to the situation.

you got the last say, once again.

thank you for everything you have taught me about myself, life and relationships.

I am better off with out you

and I am stronger without you constantly picking me up and dragging me down.

I hope one day you realize this was all a misunderstanding,

and that this could have been salvaged with a simple conversation.

I've never once given up on you, but you continually do it to me.

good luck.

good-bye

make yourself.

I can't remember the last time

- Sunday, August 3, 2008

that i cried myself to sleep.
i can't stand to lose someone that means so much to me from my life.

i can't do this.
not now.

Make Yourself