Make Yourself

So I feel like I have anger management issues..
or at least like less than full control of my moods and emotions.
the thing is, i know this about myself and it's something i really dislike,
and yet i can't seem to break the habit.
I'll feel myself flip into this pissed off mood and hate the feeling of it
and yet i feel like i can't flip the switch to turn it around or turn it off.
It's almost suffocating.
I don't know how to fix it, but I have to.
I guess I really need to start focusing on it and really trying to not let it get the best of me.
I hate being moody, I hate taking it out on everyone around me and I hate feeling like I can't control it.


Last night,
I found myself frantically searching my car during my drive downtown to find a lighter.
I had this complete urge to smoke a cigarette and just calm myself down.
I would have packed a bowl and smoked that instead, but alas, I didn't have my pipe with me haha.
I don't know what is worse.
It was just the strangest feeling because it's so rare that I WANT a cigarette when I'm sober.


I got in a stupid little argument with my mom yesterday
and that's what set me off.
it put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day
She tried to pull fucking rules on me
and shit about things that have been going on.
At first she said it was because she was worried that I was going to get myself into the same situation that always comes around.
What she doesn't understand is that it's different this time around.
It was my decision.
maybe i didn't physically initiate the situation,
but my mind had been made up about it all for a couple weeks.

Later on she changed her mind about the decision she made earlier and told me she it wasn't about that and tried to clear things up.
But even after all of that I couldn't get myself out of the shitty mood I was in until I got to nate and ericka's and was there for a bit.


I'm an adult
i can make decisions for myself and I don't need to constantly have people worrying about hurting me or me getting hurt.
we all know the risks involved.
but like i said, this isn't like before.
what i wanted before is NOT what I'm wanting now
and therefore, I am safe from being hurt.

Am I making things harder for myself? yes
Am i complicating things? maybe, but I'm not trying to.
Am I making things harder for someone else? maybe, but it's not my job to worry about that.
The thing is I was living in the past for just a week
nothing i feel is new, nothing i feel is an advancement.
it's simply remembering how it feels to just enjoy every thing as i have been.
and as far as i can tell right now, I'm more focused on the feelings
and not the origin of where those feelings come from.
the truth is i could drop this situation right now, move tomorrow, not say goodbye, and it wouldn't really matter.
ouch
do i mean that? i don't know. but right now i do.

I WANT to say goodbye, but do i feel like i HAVE to? no.
sorry.
the truth is, it's not going to hurt like before.
will i be sad? yes.
will it hurt? no.
the truth is leaving sets me free even more than I've already been feeling like i am.

The other day I said I wasn't ready to leave.
but today, the day I was originally supposed to leave, I feel like I wish I had already left.
what am i waiting around for really?
everyone is either working or too busy.
I've been sitting at home and watch TV or movies all day hoping that someone in my handful of friends makes time to see me.
and even though it's not even really all their fault, it still feels ridiculous.
I never thought I'd miss working, but seriously,
I'd rather be pissed off at work all day than bored at home.

I can't wait to get out and start over because i really wouldn't be able to handle this for any longer.

I don't know if writing this helped or if it put me in a worse mood.
haha
either way, it feels good to get it out and it gave me some mild entertainment.
i better just stop before i sound ridiculously pathetic ;-)