Make Yourself

Exactly one year.. to the DATE of the last time this happened.
are you fucking kidding me?

the shock value is less every time.
it hurts less every time
i get over it easier every time

as much as i try to overcome the expectation and assumption
the fear is always looming in the back of my mind.
and i had every reason to doubt
actions speak louder than the sugar coated words that always reel me in.
they cloud my memories of the pain, a temporary Novocaine.
i just couldn't quit
like a drug
my heroin
i was addicted for three long years
never getting enough
never being enough
giving giving giving

i was blinded while everyone else saw it coming
i hoped for the best, again
while everyone was waiting on the other end for this to happen, as expected.
this is my self mutilation
this is my gambling addiction
the substance i abuse is love, my love, the love i so undeservingly give and give.
never getting back what i deserve, but always thinking i might.

everyone was right. from the start.
i thought i couldn't trust other people.. but really, i can't trust myself.
i know what i deserve, i just wanted it to all be given to me by the one person i had always wanted.
is that so much to ask?
to be loved in return?
apparently
it's too much work.
too difficult

what is love?
everything i know about it is a lie.



for once it would be nice to know what it's like to have someone who would do whatever they could to keep me
to be endlessly wanted
someone who doesn't make me feel insecure about never being good enough
someone i don't have to always worry about changing their mind one day.
someone who makes time for me
someone who wants nothing more than to hear my voice at the end of the day
someone who wants to share things with me
someone who believes in me
someone who can show they love me and not just sweep me off my feet with empty words.
someone who actually means what they say
someone who is not afraid
someone who just wants to make me smile.


i hope i'm not broken.
i hope i will be able to trust myself again one day
i hope i will let myself love again

and pathetic as it is i still fucking hope it all works out in the future.
because it's all i've been wanting for years,
pathetic.. i disgust myself.
ugh

you were all fucking right.
*insert "i told you so" here* (for the what 678th time?)





so now what? :-(