If there were a way to stop myself from having dreams, I would.
No matter how good the greatest dreams have ever been
it would be worth it to give them up to save myself from the dreams I've been having for the last three years.
I can try all I want to let go and forget, and then it all comes back in a dream like everything is going to be ok and like it never changed in the first place..
When I know it's obviously not going to be, it hasn't ever been.
My mind is continuing to torture me, as if years of it wasn't enough already,
these almost nightly recurrences are devastating.
It just puts me in the exact mood and mindset I've been trying to escape.
And makes me dwell on things...
stupid little details
things said and things done
emotionally and physically.
questions I'll never have answers to
the closure I've been waiting for and will never receive
the lack of understanding
the realization of misinterpretation
the constant lingering of "why?"
the false hope that is always floating somewhere in the back of my mind
the ounce of optimism that I can't drown out with pessimism
the memories of the last several times I've been through this exact same shit.
It takes me right back to the place I've been trying so hard to escape from
and no matter how far I run, I am dragged right back
only to have to start all over again.
Sometimes I'm not sure if I'd even choose to keep all the memories if I had the choice.
They seem to do more harm than good.
Fuck dreaming.
"Facing forwards, sinking in thin air
Help me to learn to breathe again
I know I've lost my way
So show me
There are demons inside my head
I always let them win
I have to learn to suffocate them
The lost ask for a hand
But I can't stop, I never stop
I've been losing my footing here
I'm all mixed up in this
I need some kind of change
God make it stop, I can't make it stop
This place is getting smaller
Everything in your darkest thoughts about me might be true
I hear the words you say, I still feel nothing
I put my voice out there for you to hear
But the words never made much sense to you
I've lost my path I'm fading fast
Time is short
Time is up
This is really my plan
To get out in one piece
Is this really your plan
To keep me lost and on my knees
I say redemption
Can someone help me hold on"
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