Make Yourself

it's been 6 days, well i guess technically a week now that it's 2am on Thursday.
i jinxed myself
the pain has been increasing since Tuesday.
there are stitches inside my mouth where my lips meet my gums
and they hurt, a lot.
it feels like my teeth are literally throbbing
the codeine isn't helping
my face still looks like a balloon
the bruising is starting to show up but it's all yellow
so i just look like i have jaundice instead of some bad ass dark purple bruises.
haha

i'm down to 117 lbs now
and i'm sure i'm going to lose more than just 3 lbs.
i doubt i'm even consuming over 1,000 calories a day
it's almost impossible to do that on soup and nutritional supplement drinks alone.
but i'm at least trying to add protein powder to the things i do eat.

we called the doctor today to ask about the increasing pain
and i guess it's one of those good/bad things.
it's bad that i'm in pain
but it's good because it means i'm healing quickly
and that i don't have a lot of nerve damage
because i guess my whole mouth should be numb
and if i'm feeling the incision sites and my teeth
then the nerves in those areas are already repairing themselves.

i'm supposed to double the amount of Motrin i've been taking (which is children's Motrin because i needed it in liquid form.)
and if i don't notice that helping within a few days he'll try to figure out something else to give me.

i get my mouth un-wired on Monday
thank god
unfortunately it could take a couple months before all the swelling goes away
so i will look like a fat little kid for a while.
haha

not like i really care
i've still been going out looking like this
the mall, the movies, the store
and i will continue to do so
i'm not gonna hide away and wait for the swelling to disappear.
i don't give a fuck what people think about my puffy face

what are a few more weeks/months of rough times dealing with the way i look
when i've already been through years of it
i've already heard the worst things people could ever possibly say about me anyway

so suuccckkk iittttt
hahaha

keeping my chin up and my mind on the future
it's all worth it to know i have the rest of my life ahead of me to finally feel "normal."

aside from all that business i realized that my poor Meeper had fleas today
it felt like he had dirt in his fur and it looked like little black specks of pepper
and then i saw little brown bug crawl on his skin
so i googled it of course and found out that the black specks were flea poop, gross.
and that the bugs were definitely fleas.
my sister's cat must have them too then
my cats are indoor cats so i don't even know how they got them
we washed Meeps with special shampoo and i watched as my mom was pulling tons of fleas off his face
i was trying not to cry because i felt so bad for him
all the fleas were trying to get away from the water and go in his ears and eyes and all over his face
my poor baby
he was even calm when we were giving him a bath and everything
best kitty in the world
and now he's fluffier than ever since we brushed, washed, and blow dried him haha

time for Valium, Codeine and sleep.

-S.