I'm earning the right to my silence
in quiet discerning between ego and timing
good judgment is once again proving to me
that it's still worth its weight in gold"
So I figured I'd give this blog thing a shot since I really should be keeping record of my life so I can look back on it one day. hah.
I wish I would have kept a journal in Greece.. but I was too lazy and thinking I would have no problem remembering it all..
Truth is, I do remember a lot, but I'm sure the little things will continue to slip through the cracks in my memory.
But maybe that's the point? To just remember what matters the most.
Either way, I think it'd be a good idea to journal some things even if it's only for my own sanity so I have some way of getting things out of my head.
Plus, I hate relying on people to tell my feelings and thoughts to.
I feel like there's been a dramatic change in my personality lately..
one I'm not particularly fond of.
I've noticed I've been creeping back into my shell,
and siting back and observing others instead of being involved.
I don't mind it until I start to analyze it.
Part of it is feeling like I'm stuck
I'm ready for a change in my life, adventure.
I'm tired of doing the same old things all the time
I love the few people I've chosen to keep in my life,
but they all have so much going on, while I don't.
Thankfully I'll be in for a real change in a few weeks.
I'm absolutely terrified of moving to LA, but at the same time I think it's what I need to save me from the monotony.
I'm so stressed about finding a place, I will be able to breathe so much easier once I've got that one figured out.
And then I'll just be able to enjoy my last few weeks here with the people I love.
I can't believe it's already June and that this year is half way over.
So many things have happend and the months have just flown by.
I'm absolutely sick of my job, the job I used to love.
I'm still proud of myself for having it and dedicating so much time and effort to it, but I'm over being there.
Two people I once held dear to me are also out of my life..by my choice.
The first one brought it all upon himself
and the second had it coming for the better part of the past year.
I've really lost my ability to trust people.
The few friends I still have mean the world to me and I know they're as legit as they come.
Nathaniel has stuck with me since we were kids in highschool.
He's the big brother I never had.. I don't even know what i'd do without him.
and I definitely don't know how I would have made it through last year if I wasn't living with him and always had him there as my shoulder to cry on.
ugh this is making me all choked up just writing this.
I've already been writing my good-bye letters in my head,
I suppose it's not really good bye, but it's my farewell from the life we've known together..
As excited as I am to leave, I'm really going to miss a few people
It's amazing that Benton and I are still friends and that the other two friends are out.
But if I said I didn't see that coming, I'd be lying.
He's always been the one I've seen in my life..(and I don't even mean it in that way at all)
despite all the bullshit we've been through, we're still really close friends,
and I'm thankful for that.. it's just nice to know I have someone who knows me so well, and can read me, that won't judge me for anything I tell him.
but even though I have that in him I still don't go to him for a lot of things or tell him a lot of things.
I have my reasons..
I'm too afraid to be that vulnerable with anyone, or rely on anyone..
Which brings about the fact that I don't think I really see myself able to be in a long term relationship with anyone.
I just don't know if I could spend forever with one person and not get totally bored or annoyed.
I'm afraid I don't know how to be any other way.
I'll probably just end up adopting kids and doing it all on my own or have a few epic short lived relatioships and that's all.
I'm hoping I'm wrong.
and that I find someone who changes all of that..
But I am in absolutely no rush.
Relationships scare the hell out of me and I'm not interested in awkward dating.
Maybe dating isn't awkward and it's me that's the awkward thing. haha
I just want someone who's gonna keep things interesting, intrigue me and initiate 90% of the conversations and do most of the talking.
haha maybe that's too much to ask :-/
I'm so not a talker, I'd much rather listen.
This has been the most eclectic blog entry ever.
I think it's time for bed now.
until next time,
Make yourself <3
2 comments:
sam there are so many things in here that i relate to, it is weird.
im in a hurry right now but just wanted to let you know that there are people out there like me that feel the same way as you.
the only reason i am saying this is because i know how much it means to me when others share my feeling and express them:)
so i am driving to arizona the last week in july and stopping in newport to see shauna.....maybe we should see each other....!
peace and love woman!
So I'm reading this blog,
and I just want to tell you,
I also have this innate feeling that I'll never be able to be in a serious, long-term relationship.
I don't fear it necessarily,
I'm just not looking forward to it either. ha.
I stress about it sometimes,
but knowing that other people out there in the universe feel the same way, is definitely comforting.
I'm excited for you to move to LA.
Even though we're not close anymore,
I'll make it a point to come visit you.
LA & Hollywood are my loves,
so it just gives me an excuse ;-)
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